Belum Usai

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Sudah hampir dua tahun. Masih sama. Aku masih menyalahkan diriku sendiri atas apa yang terjadi. Tak pernah menjadi salah siapa pun. Bukan kamu. Bukan dia. Bukan mereka. Hanya aku. Aku tak tahu apakah kamu juga merasa bagaimana susahnya untuk terbangun setiap pagi hanya untuk menemukan bahwa kamu (masih) tidak baik-baik saja? Bahwa hatimu masih saja terluka? Bahwa senyum yang kau paksakan juga tak mampu membawa suka? Harus bagaimana? Pernahkah? Atau hanya aku?

Aku ingin tahu bagaimana kau menjalani harimu setelah denganku. Adakah sedikit penyesalan? Adakah kau merindukanku? Adakah aku sebegitu tak berharganya sebagaimana diammu selama ini? Adakah aku sebegitu tak berartinya sebagaimana angkuhnya bungkammu? Aku sebegitu ingin tahunya. Tapi sebegitu pengecutnya untuk bertanya. Karena, entah bagaimana aku sudah tahu jawabnya akan seperti apa. Karena kau sudah bahagia dan aku masih berada di tempat yang sama saat kau menyudahi kita yang (tak) pernah ada.

Entah perasaan apa ini namanya. Bagaimana mungkin aku masih di sini, meratapi yang sudah lama pergi? Aku tak mencintaimu sebesar itu, kan? Enam bulan. Waktumu yang kurenggut dalam diam. Kamu menghilang dari duniamu sejenak, menarik ulur waktu, emosi yang membuncah, kenangan masa lalu, cinta yang kau singgahi dan pergi, luka yang kau pendam sendiri, ketakutanmu, kebanggaanmu, senyum nakal yang tak kau bagi dengan sembarang orang, sarapan pagi berlanjut obrolan siang sampai malam di dapurmu, rangkulan hangat di ranjangmu, respons sarkasmu sambil tersenyum jahil, tepukan ringan di pantatku, kecupan lembut bibirmu di seluruh tubuhku, malam Minggu di parkiran rumah makan padang menunggu martabak sambal minum Hydrococo, malam yang panas, erangan yang tak berkesudahan, senyumku di sela bibirmu, peluh saat bermain basket, Timezone, hantaman di bumper car, Mercure hotel, pingpong, rumah sakit, Because of You-nya Kelly Clarkson, Indomie rebus, telur ceplok, Insatiable-nya Darren Hayes, rapiah, soto ayam, rawon, film-film yang menandakan bahwa “kita” adalah pertanda buruk, Promaag, 300 Days of Summer, Friends, kesukaanmu duduk di bangku deretan paling atas di bioskop, anggukanmu saat aku bertanya apa kau mencintaiku, late night driving, “Aku menginginkanmu, tapi aku tak membutuhkanmu, aku bisa hidup tanpamu”, kau bertanya apa aku marah saat kau pergi dengan mereka, kau yang selalu memastikan kalau “kita” hanya menikmati momen bukan berkomitmen, kau yang berkata “Ini rasa kan? Tidak hanya lust?” lalu tawa renyahmu, dominanmu, intimidatifmu, ketidaksukaanmu akan kekalahan, merdu suaramu saat kau bernyanyi, caramu berjalan dengan satu tangan di saku celanamu, bagaimana kau selalu menjadi pusat perhatian semua orang ketika kau datang dan semua hal yang tak akan kau posting di akun Path-mu.

Dan ya, aku tak mungkin mencintaimu sebegitunya. Begitu, kan?

Kau tak mungkin mencintai dia yang menenangkan ramai suara di kepalamu hanya dengan rangkulannya, kan? Dengan komentar pedasnya tentang bagaimana mungkin kau ingin mati dalam keadaan tak berarti? Bagaimana mungkin kau bisa mencintai dia yang memegang persneling mobil dengan tangan kanannya hanya karena kau menggengam yang satunya? Bukan alasan yang cukup dan waktu yang cukup untuk mencintai seseorang, bukan?

Ya, aku tak mungkin mencintai dia sebegitu hebatnya. Aku hanya, mungkin hanya sedang berpikiran tak sehat.

Lalu bagaimana indikator mencintai seseorang itu sendiri? Harus berapa lama waktu yang harus kau habiskan untuk bisa mencapai level “aku mencintaimu, sungguh?” Hal apa saja yang harus dilakukan untuk bisa perasaanmu diakui? Enam bulan bukan waktu yang cukup panjang, kan? Apalagi untuk sebuah rasa yang tak bertuan, tak bertujuan, tak berumah, yang dihadang sebelum bahkan sampai ke rumah tujuan, yang tertunduk diam tak bisa mengelak saat dia berkata “cukup sampai di sini”. Tak pernah ada tempat untuk rasa seperti itu kan? Tak bernama.

Bukan rasa yang bisa kau banggakan untuk bisa di posting di akun Path-mu, aku yakin.

Karena tempatmu mungkin memang bukan dalam diam dan sunyi dunia nyataku, tak seheboh duniamu di luar sana. Jadi kau kembali ke sana. Ke mereka yang bisa menghiasi duniamu, lebih dari aku yang hanya sekedar tinggal rahasiamu. Rahasia yang terlalu gelap mungkin untuk kau ungkap.

Aku masih merasa bersalah untuk waktu yang kurenggut darimu. Untuk enam bulan yang tak seharusnya kau rasakan. Untuk malam-malam kau terjaga dengan perasaan lelah. Untuk membuatmu terlihat buruk karena semestinya itu salahku, si pengkhianat, si perusak hubungan pertemanan. Kau sudah selayaknya bahagia, seperti yang kau (mungkin) rasakan sekarang.

Aku tak tahu, aku tak tahu apa-apa tentangmu. Hatiku tak setegar itu untuk mencoba mencari tahu bagaimana hidupmu, setelahku. Aku (masih) sakit. Aku belum bisa menjadi tak apa dengan apa yang ada sekarang. Aku masih menyimpan rasa tak bernama itu jauh di dalam hatiku. Untuk waktu yang juga tak bisa aku andaikan. Untuk rasa yang tak pernah sempat diikrarkan atas dasar ingin bersama.

Jalanku masih panjang, untuk berdiri bangkit dan melangkah sendiri. Ya, sendiri. Aku sedang tak berusaha mencari cara agar bisa sembuh, apalagi berbagi rasa dengan yang baru. Kau tahu sendiri, aku lelah dengan kesalahanku di masa lalu. Aku tak sanggup menulis chapter yang sama lagi. Baiknya kutulis saja bagian yang baru, berkurang satu peran yang mesti tersakiti, cukup aku. Aku kadang sering bertanya, kenapa aku masih belum juga melepasmu? Ada apa dengan semua harapan kosong yang ku bangun setiap malam hanya agar aku merasa tak begitu sendiri ketika bangun di pagi hari? Apa aku merasa sebegitu “berhutang” padamu?

Mungkin aku sangat berterima kasih untuk semua yang telah kau ajarkan padaku. Untuk semua hal yang sudah kau berikan padaku. Untuk waktumu yang banyak terbuang percuma demi aku.  Kau tahu, aku menjadi lebih mandiri sekarang. Aku, senang menghabiskan waktuku sendiri. Oh ya, aku selalu ingat ucapanmu pagi itu, “don’t be a loner like me” dan andai kau tahu, aku menyukai kesendirianku sudah sejak lama. Hanya saja terasa lebih tak menyenangkan sejak kau ada. Karena denganmu, semua sekat-sekat emosi yang terpendam rasanya ter-manusiawi kan oleh rasa yang entah bagaimana hanya kamu yang bisa terobos.

Jadi, jalanku masih akan sangat panjang untuk kukira bisa sampai di posisimu sekarang. Berbahagia. Aku masih jauh dari itu tapi sangat menyenangkan yang entah kenapa juga sekaligus terasa menyesakkan dada untuk bisa berbahagia dengan bahagiamu sekarang. Cinta tak seperti itu, kan? Ya, cinta tak pernah mendoakan orang yang kau kasihi untuk berbahagia dengan orang lain. Itu, bukan cinta dan aku tak mencintaimu dan ini belum usai.

(Chase)

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