Dear You…

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Flashback ke awal kisah hubungan kita…

Awal tahun adalah momen perkenalan kita. Eh, ketemu tepatnya ya. Walaupun kesanku ke kamu itu, kayak anak-anak banget, tapi kamu sosok perempuan  yang menarik.

Di saat kita bertemu, kita nggak banyak ngobrol. Sampai sebulan kemudian pun kita cuma ngobrol hal-hal penting aja kalau lagi ketemu, tapi kita ngobrol seru kalau sedang chattin, hahahaha…

Yah, sebenarnya bukan kenapa-kenapa ya. Ngobrol chatting itu cuma untuk menghindari pacarku dan teman-temannya ngomongin yang nggak bagus tentang kamu. Toh kita cuma temenan. Obrolan kita pun nggak ada yang menjurus. Genit? Apalagi genit! Boro-boro genit, kamu alay gituuuuu. Jauuhh banget dari kata genit.  Tapi aku juga nggak ngerti, kenapa pacarku saat itu sebel banget sama kamu. Dia bilang kamu genitlah, atau apalah. Pokoknya kamu dibilang modus. Sampai-sampai aku disuruh berhenti temenan sama kamu.

Aku nggak rela. Beneran nggak rela kalau disuruh putusin tali pertemanan kita ini.
Gimana bisa rela. Kamu tuh temen satu-satunya yang bisa aku ajak ngomong apa pun juga dari A sampe Z tanpa ada filter-filteran, sensi-sensian. Dan satu lagi, kita sepemikiran. Dan…. errrr… Aku kan dilarang berteman juga sih ya. Jadi temenku yah itu-itu aja, yang notabene, temennya dia semua. Di luar itu, aku punya temen juga, tapi dilarang juga sih ketemu. Tapi ya udah, aku nggak maksa.

Cuma kalau kamu beda. Aku nggak rela aja rasanya kalau harus kehilangan teman yang super gokil. Tapi akhirnya gimana? Yah.. Aku tetep harus stop komunikasi denganmu karena pacar melarang. Kenapa? Karena kebahagian pacar itu lebih penting dari kebahagianku buat berteman denganmu 🙂

Terus kenapa nggak ngobrol aja sama pacarku saat itu? Kenapa malah harus sampai cari kamu buat ngobrol? Ya itu karena aku nggak bisa ngobrol apa adanya sama pacarku. Aku harus filter omonganku. Aku harus filter juga pemikiranku. Aku harus filter juga hobiku.

Yah begitulah. Memang kami dulu saling menyayangi, tp ya hubungan kami nggak lebih dari itu. Kami susah untuk bahas masalah beban, masalah, atau emosi.
Sekalinya aku lupa filter bercandaanku atau omonganku atau lain-lainnya, pasti berujung dengan dia marah-marah. Terus kalau ajak diskusi, hmm, yah, mayoritas selalu dia nggak mau selesaikan. Dengan alasan dia malas ribut, jadi nggak mau bahas. Yah. Aku udah biasa nahan emosi begini. Yang namanya sayang emang butuh pengorbanan, kan?

Sampai akhirnya, aku sampai di batas ambang kesabaran.
Aku sudah super lelah menahan emosi. Menangis diam-diam setiap malam sudah menjadi makananku sehari-hari. Itu satu-satunya cara supaya agak perasaanku lebih lega.

Aku butuh seseorang untuk membahas masalah ini. At least, aku bisa keluarin uneg-unegku jadi aku nggak stres sendiri.
Bahas sama pacarku? Mustahil. Ada juga semakin menambah banyak masalah.

Aku inget banget. Waktu itu di sore hari aku mengendarai mobil dengan pandangan yang nggak jelas karena mataku penuh dengan air mata. Yah, aku lelah. Benar-benar lelah.
Entah gimana, yang keinget saat itu tuh kamu. Hati aku yakin kalau aku cerita sama kamu. Kamu pasti mau dengerin baik-baik dan bisa bantu kasih saran.

Akhirnya aku pun nekat untuk mengajak kamu ngobrol via BBM, dan kamu pun menyambut dengan baik. Setelah sekian lama kita nggak ngobrol bercanda-canda, aku kontek kamu untuk membahas uneg-uneg. Walaupun sebenernya tuh saranmu nggak banget deh. Cuma bilang, “Kuncinya cuma satu: sabar.”   Hiks  hiks. Sedih nggak sih, aku curcol sepanjang apa tau, eh cuma dikasih saran itu. Sisanya malah omelan dari kamu. Kamu hobi banget ngomel.
“Aduuuh! Kamu bego banget sih jadi orang.”
“Hah? Seriusan? Duh bego banget sih.”

Iyaa.. Kamu hobi ngatain aku bego. Hiks.

Tapi terlepas dari saranmu yang super itu, aku menikmati obrolan dengan kamu. Aku jadi bisa meringankan beban di hatiku. Sampai saat itu, aku nggak ada perasaan apa-apa sama kamu. Sumpah. Perasaanku ke kamu, murni hanya sekadar teman..( teman rahasia, secara harus umpet-umpetan dari pacarku) :p

Pelan tapi pasti
Kamu tau segala masalahku..
Kamu hadir hampir di setiap saat..
Di saat aku perlu seseorang buat aku marahin, kamu ada
Di saat aku perlu orang buat curhat, kamu ada
Di saat aku pengen bahas game kesayanganku, kamu ada
Di saat aku pengen bercanda-canda seru, kamu ada
Di saat aku pengen jadi diriku sendiri, kamu ada

Iya, kamu selalu ada, di saat pacarku nggak bisa hadir.
Kehadiranmu dalam hidupku sudah cukup besar sampai akhirnya kamu menyatakan perasaanmu ke aku.

Saat itu aku shock. Aku galau. Aku bingung.
Saat itu aku punya pacar.
Aku tau betapa besar rasa sayang pacarku kepadaku. Aku nggak mungkin mengkhianatinya. Yah, itu yang aku pikirkan saat itu.

Tapi, di sisi lain, aku juga nggak ingin kehilangan dirimu. Aku nggak tau apa yang terjadi kepadaku bila kamu nggak ada. Dengan siapa aku harus mengeluarkan keluh kesahku? Dengan siapa aku harus bercerita tentabg masalahku?
Egois ya aku? Ya, aku egois. Aku akui itu.

Hari berganti hari.
Minggu berganti minggu.
Hubungan kita tetap seperti sebelum kamu menyatakan perasaanmu kepadaku.
Aku masih suka curhat kepadamu tentang apa pun, dan kamu juga masih bisa menjawab dan memberi saran dengan benar.
(Kalau ingat hal ini, aku merasa jahat banget deh, bener)
Tanpa aku sadari, pelan tapi pasti kehadiranmu mulai mengisi hatiku.

Aku juga nggak sadar, semenjak kapan perasaan ke pacarku mulai pudar.
Sumpah saat itu aku berasa berdosa banget sama dia. Gila apa, aku bisa suka sama cewek lain di saat aku pacaran sama dia.
Nah. Ini aku nggak bisa curhat sama kamu. Aku jadi galau deh, nggak punya tempat cerita. Cuman tiba-tiba aku inget saranmu. “Kalau kamu ada masalah, banyak-banyak berdoa aja. Asal kamu percaya, pasti dikasih jalan.“

Aku pun mulai berdoa..berdoa dan berdoa..
Sampai akhirnya aku bisa berpikir, ‘buat apa aku bertahan pacaran ma dia? Toh..prasaanku dah berubah.’
Aku jahat? Iya, aku jahat..
Tapi buat apa aku pertahankan hubungan yang bikin aku makan ati. Bahkan orang rumahku aja nggak suka dengan sikapku dan rutinitasku pas aku pacaran ma dia.

Tapi… Tetep aku mikir juga.
Kalau aku putusin dia, apa kata orang-orang tentang kamu? Apa kata dia tentang kamu? Aku yakin bangeeet mereka ( dia dan temen-temennya ) bakalan jelek-jelekin kamu. Bakalan ngata-ngatain kamu sebagai perusak hubungan aku dan dia.

Aku tetep ngotot bertahan dengan hubungan itu walaupun cuma bertahan beberapa hari aja sampai akhirnya aku sudah nggak tahan dan memutuskan untuk berpisah dengannya.
Dan sesuai dugaanku, kamu dibawa-bawa dan disalah-salahin. Tapi aku tetap menekankan bahwa kamu tidak bersalah. Iya, emang bener, kamu nggak bersalah. Kamu nggak maksa kok. Hati aku yang secara sukarela berpindah.
Yah, perpisahan itu sesuai dugaanku. Ada drama yang terjadi. Tapi aku terima.

Well, awalnya aku tetap nggak berencana untuk menunjukkan perasaanku ke kamu, apalagi pacaran denganmu. Demi nama baikmu sih tepatnya.
Cuman setelah ngomong ini itu ( kayak bisnis gitu, ada diskusi segala :p ), lewatin masalah ini itu, ternyata aku nggak bisa membendung perasaan aku ke kamu.
Aku terlalu sayang sama kamu.
Akhirnya kita memutuskan untuk bersama, dengan konsekuensi bakalan dibenci olehnya dan teman-temannya.

Beberapa bulan berlalu…
Semakin hari aku merasa semakin bahagia.
Nggak ada yang namanya nangis-nangisan karena hal nggak penting pas pacaran.
Nggak ada yang namanya filter bercandaan.

Pacaran dengan kamu itu damai, rileks. Aku bisa cerita apa pun juga ke kamu, tanpa ada yang harus aku tutup-tutupi. Aku bisa becanda seseru mungkin layaknya sepasang sahabat.

Di saat ingin mesra, kita bisa bermesraan layaknya sepasang kekasih.

Di saat ingin curcol, kita bisa saling ngasih nasihat. Bahkan kadang jadi kayak emak dan anak, ya! Hahahaha..

Di saat ada masalah, ambek-ambekan, jealous, kita bisa diskusiin dan ada hasilnya. Nggak ada ganjalan di hati kita masing-masing.

Dan yang menurutku penting, kamu mengutamakan kelancaran komunikasi di atas seks.

And you know what, keluargaku ternyata senang aku berteman dengan kamu. (Teman ya, bukan pacar. Haha) mereka enjoy banget.

Sayang, kita memang belum lama bersama. Kata orang mah ini baru seumur jagung. Tapi Sayang, di tanggal 11 kemarin, tepat beberapa bulan kita sudah bersama (biar kita aja yang tau berapa bulannya :p) I want to tell you how glad I am, how happy I am to have you.

My partner in crime, my bestfriend, my lover,
I love you.

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