First Story and First Love

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Pertengahan 2010 merupakan awal cerita itu dimulai. Saat itu aku masih mahasiswa baru di suatu Universitas Negeri di Jawa Tengah dan yang kuinginkan hanyalah mencari teman sebanyak-banyaknya. Pengalaman pertamaku terpisah dari keluarga, merantau ke kota lain dan harus menetap di sana dengan jarak yang terpaut cukup jauh dari orangtuaku.

“Halo, namaku Vina.” Itulah kalimat pertama yang keluar dari bibirnya saat pertama kali kami bertemu. Senyum lebar tergambarkan di wajahnya. Vina, dia berasal dari Tangerang. Sebagai sesama anak yang domisili asalnya Jabodetabek, kami lebih cepat akrab dan cocok dalam gaya candaan dan gaya berbahasa. Seiring berjalannya waktu, kami semakin dekat. Kedekatan tersebut sampai membuat kami selalu diledek oleh teman-teman seperti sepasang kekasih, padahal pada saat itu aku hanya menganggap Vina sebagai teman dekat, jadi ledekan mereka kuanggap sebagai bahan bercandaan dan tidak terlalu serius menanggapinya.

Sampai akhirnya, aku mulai merasa ada yang tidak beres dengan diriku. Aku selalu ingin dekat bersamanya, selalu ingin bertemu dengannya. Walaupun ada dalam satu kelas kuliah yang sama, tetapi tinggal di kos-kosan yang berbeda. Ketika perasaan mulai aneh itu muncul, aku mulai mencari-cari cara dan alasan agar bisa selalu dekat dengannya di luar jam kuliah. Dimulai dengan sengaja makan di tempat makan yang biasa dia datangi ataupun main ke kosnya dengan berbagai alasan. Hingga suatu hari, kami harus pulang larut malam sehabis menjenguk teman yang sedang masuk rumah sakit dan keadaan itu membuat Vina tidak bisa pulang ke kos karena ada peraturan jam malam di kosnya. Dia tidak bisa masuk kalau melewati jam tersebut. Dengan senang hati aku menawarkan untuk menginap di kosku. Dia mengiyakan tawaranku dan dengan perasaan senang aku memboncengnya ke kosku.

Tempat tidur kamar kosku tidak besar, hanya tempat tidur ukuran single untuk satu orang. Tapi aku memiliki kasur lipat cadangan. Aku menawarkan agar dia di tempat tidur dan aku tidur di kasur lipat. Tetapi dia tidak mau. Akhirnya setelah melewati perdebatan panjang tentang siapa yang tidur di kasur atau di tempat tidur, kami berdua memutuskan untuk tidur di kasur lipat. Karena kasur lipat tersebut tidak terlalu besar, aku mulai mengatur jarak di antara kami berdua agar dia tidak merasa sempit dan nyaman tidurnya. Terkadang setengah badanku di kasur dan setengahnya lagi ada di karpet. Dia menarikku semakin mendekat ketika tahu kalau badanku tidak sepenuhnya di kasur. Kami akhirnya tidur berdekatan dan berhadapan.

Lampu kamar pada saat itu sudah dipadamkan, tetapi aku masih melihat wajahnya dengan jelas dengan bantuan cahaya dari luar yang melewati celah-celah pintu. Wajahnya sangat polos ketika tidur, dan juga cantik. Perasaanku tidak karuan saat itu, kudengar sendiri suara dentuman yang mengiri jantungku. Jantungku berdebar sangat hebat. Aku sangat takut dia mendengar suara itu juga. Aku berusaha untuk memejamkan mata agar tertidur dan berharap suara itu bisa meredup tetapi ternyata sulit. Entahlah apa yang ada di pikiranku, aku malah memberanikan diri untuk lebih mendekat, hingga hanya ada jarak sekitar 2-3 cm antara bibirku dan bibirnya. Aku stuck, diam membatu dengan jarak itu. Suara jantungku pun mulai mengganas seolah menjadi backsound keadaanku saat itu. Hanya dengan menggeser tubuh sedikit saja, bibir kami bisa saling bersentuhan satu sama lain. Tapi pada saat itu aku membatu layaknya patung yang mungkin siap dipajang di museum. Ah, aku benci keadaanku saat itu.

Aku terus memejamkan mata karena takut dia terbangun dan takut dia berpikiran aneh dengan posisi saat itu. Aku terus mengontrol diri dengan harapan detak jantungku bisa dikontrol juga. Tetapi, kurasakan sesuatu yang hangat dan lembut menyentuh bibirku. It’s her lips! Jantungku rasanya ingin meledak saat itu juga. Bagaimana bisa bibir kita bersentuhan? Aku sama sekali tidak bergerak, pikirku. Oh! Bukan aku yang bergerak, dia yang bergerak. Yes she did! Lagi-lagi aku mematung, dengan posisi bibir yang masih bersentuhan. Cukup lama aku berada di posisi itu, sekitar kurang lebih 2 menit bibir kami saling bersentuhan sampai akhirnya aku bisa mundur dan menjauhkan wajahku karena aku khawatir aku akan pingsan dengan detak jantung yang menggila itu. Aku pun mulai berusaha untuk memejamkan mataku sampai akhirnya malam pun berlalu.

Sejak kejadian malam itu, aku berusaha menyimpan hal itu meski ada perasaan bersalah dalam diri. Aku merasa bersalah karena aku menciumnya, walaupun itu tanpa sengaja. Saat itu aku masih belum menyadari sepenuhnya bahwa aku memiliki orientasi seksual yang berbeda. Yang aku tahu hanya aku tertarik dengan seorang perempuan dibandingkan laki-laki, dan itu memang aneh menurutku. Aku tahu dia sedang menyukai seorang kakak kelasnya yang laki-laki dan kesimpulanku berarti dia straight.

Namun seiring hari, hubungan kami semakin dekat dan tak jarang kami menginap bersama tanpa adanya kejadian seperti sebelumnya. Sampai suatu ketika, aku tidak tahan lagi untuk menceritakan dan meminta maaf kepadanya tentang kejadian di malam itu. Ketika aku selesai menceritakan hal itu, dia hanya tersenyum dan berkata “Kamu happy, Nda?” Aku terdiam dan bingung dengan pertanyaannya, “Happy gimana maksud kamu?” balasku. “Iya happy waktu bibir kita bersentuhan,” ucapnya.

Aku tersipu malu dan aku menjawab “Iya sih aku seneng, tapi kan aneh Vin, sama-sama cewek masa ciuman bibir? Aku kepikiran terus dan merasa bersalah sama kamu.” Dia terdiam sesaat, kemudian dia menghampiriku dan mendekatkan dirinya kepadaku. Ditariknya pipiku mendekati wajahnya dan dia menciumku tepat dibibirku. Oh hell yeah, she kissed me!

Suara backsound yang berasal dari jantungku mulai muncul lagi, aku diam terpaku sampai akhirnya dia melepaskan ciuman itu. Dia kembali tersenyum dan berkata “Ya udah Nda yang penting kamu seneng, kan kita udah kayak ade kakak, aku juga suka gitu kok sama mbak aku.” Ah, masa adik kakak walaupun sama-sama perempuan sampai ciuman bibir gitu, pikirku.

Aku mengiyakan saja walaupun aku tidak begitu paham dengan hal tersebut karena aku tidak memiliki saudara perempuan. Mungkin polos dan bodoh juga aku pada saat itu, karena tidak memiliki pengalaman dalam hal seperti itu. Hari demi hari kita jalani bersama sampai akhirnya memasuki liburan akhir semester. Selama liburan, kami kembali ke rumah masing-masing. Aku di Bogor dan dia di Tangerang. Selama liburan, aku dan dia masih intens berkomunikasi, baik itu lewat chat Facebook, Yahoo Mail, Skype, ataupun SMS.

Selama liburan rasa kangen kepadanya sulit sekali terbendung, tak jarang aku memintanya untuk online Skype agar bisa melihat wajahnya secara langsung. Aku mulai uring-uringan dengan perasaan ini. Aku sadar bahwa perasaan ini merupakan perasaan cinta, ya cinta, aku mencintai seorang perempuan. Aku tak tahan lagi dan memberanikan diri untuk menyatakannya meskipun aku sudah siap untuk konsekuensi dia meninggalkanku. Malam itu, aku menyatakan perasaanku dengannya lewat Yahoo Mail. Dia hanya membalas chat-ku, “Aku nggak tau harus bilang apa, Nda.”

Setelah itu layaknya seorang pengecut dan pecundang, aku menutup semua akses komunikasi karena aku tahu aku ditolak. Aku takut dia memandangku dengan jijik dan kuakui pikiranku saat itu sangatlah drama. Karena itu aku tidak mau bertemu dengannya, aku tahu aku terlalu childish, tapi aku tidak bisa berpikir jernih saat itu. Sampai keesokan harinya, aku menyalakan handphone-ku. Tak lama setelah itu ada panggilan masuk dari dirinya. Suara tangisan terdengar dari telepon, “Nda, kamu nggak bisa tabrak lari aku kayak gitu dong, kamu tau nggak aku mikirin kamu semaleman?” katanya. “Maafin aku Vin, aku nggak mau liat kamu benci sama aku,” jawabku. “Aku juga sayang sama kamu, Nda! Tega kamu mutus komunikasi setelah tabrak lari gitu aja, aku nggak mau kehilangan kamu, Nda!” Kata-kata itu bagaikan kata-kata terindah dalam hidupku. Dia juga berkata kata-katanya mengenai ciuman dengan kakaknya yang sudah biasa itu hanya agar aku tidak merasa khawatir dan menghindar darinya dan kita masih bisa tetap “kissing” :p

Pada hari itu dan tanggal itu, 22 Agustus 2011, kami resmi pacaran.

Hari demi hari hingga berganti tahun kami jalani bersama. Sedih, senang, pahit, luka kami lewati bersama. Target wisuda bersama pun tercapai dan selanjutnya kami bisa menempuh pendidikan profesi yang sama lagi di salah satu Universitas Negeri di Depok. Kami sangat senang pada akhirnya bisa kuliah bersama lagi. Bagiku semua cobaan terasa mudah asal aku bersamanya.  Aku selalu ingin menjadi seseorang yang pertama kali dia butuhkan, aku selalu ingin melindungi dirinya, membuatnya selalu tersenyum dan tertawa. Selalu ingin membantunya saat dia kesusahan, dan selama aku mampu, akan aku turuti semua keinginannya. Dia sangatlah berarti bagiku, dialah cinta pertamaku.

Lima tahun yang kita jalani bersama sangatlah berarti. Dia telah mengajariku bagaimana rasanya dicintai dan mencintai. Dia sangat berperan dalam pencapaianku menempuh pendidikan dan pekerjaan saat ini. Dia juga yang berperan dalam membentuk karakter dan pribadiku agar lebih dewasa. Dialah cinta pertamaku, sahabat terbaikku dan partner hidupku. Kata-kata yang sering dilontarkan di kala obrolan ringan kami adalah aku ingin hidup bersamamu sampai nanti, sampai kita tua, sampai jadi debu.

Waktu berjalan begitu cepat, lima tahun telah berlalu dan aku dan dia kini sudah tidak bersama. Aku tidak mampu untuk menahanmu seberapa besar pun usahaku. Aku mengerti karena aku tidak bisa mengendalikan perasaan seseorang. Mungkin ini semua kesalahanku yang sudah tidak bisa membuatmu nyaman di sisiku, tetapi asal kamu tahu, aku selalu ingin menjadi yang terbaik untukmu. Jika hatimu sudah tidak lagi untukku, aku relakan dirimu selama itu bisa membuatmu bahagia.

Kenangan bersamamu merupakan hal terindah dan akan selalu terukir di hatiku.  Aku hanya ingin kamu selalu sehat dan bahagia bersama orang yang kamu cintai. Jika kamu merasa bahagia sekarang, mungkin doaku telah menjadi nyata, doa yang selalu aku panjatkan setiap aku merindukanmu. Terima kasih sudah menjadi bagian dari hidupku. Take care my dearest, Vina … 🙂

(@FortuneSeeker__)

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