Jika Saja…

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“Dan aku lelah menjelaskan perihal jika. Jika saja..”

***

Aku mendapati hatiku berperang dengan nalarku. Mencari jalan ke mana sebaiknya aku harus melanjutkan langkahku. Atau haruskah aku berputar arah dan kembali? Aku tidak pernah menyesal. Hanya saja jika kita tidak berpisah.

Perpisahan denganmu membuatku menyadari banyak hal. Bahkan di dalam keraguanku kepadamu aku masih berusaha mencintaimu dengan sungguh- sungguh. Iya, aku mencintaimu. Bahkan hingga saat ini. Hanya saja jika aku tak merasakannya.

Untuk pertama kalinya, aku ingin mempercayaimu penuh, bahkan aku memaksa diriku untuk percaya. Namun sebagian diriku menolak. Menjaga diriku agar tetap tegar dan sadar. Jika satu hari kamu meninggalkanku.

Aku nyaris linglung. Tangisku menjelma menjadi tawa yang tak lagi mampu aku artikan. Aku tak menangis. Sungguh. Aku berjanji dengan diriku sendiri aku tak akan menangis, bahkan ketika aku ingin sekalipun. Jika saja kau mengerti.

Aku ini yang ingin kembali memelukmu erat. Namun aku memutuskan untuk berkata tidak, bahkan ketika dirimu sendiri yang datang menawarkan pelukan. Aku harus terus melangkah. Dan jika saja kau tahu.

Aku yang payah ini benar-benar mencintaimu.

(noname)

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