Kepada Kamu

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Aku selalu membenci jika tengah malam diriku terbangun dari lelapnya tidur. Itu berarti kenangan tentangmu turut terbangun dari ingatan yang berusaha aku lupakan. Mungkin seperti kata pepatah, “Waktu boleh berlalu tapi kenangan akan selalu ada dan tersimpan.”

Aku mencoba meraih handphone yang terletak di atas meja, dilanjutkan dengan menyalakan kotak layar tipis berukuran 32 inch di atas rak mejaku. Menyala hanya untuk meramaikan suasana ruangan saja, sementara penghuninya sibuk dengan dunianya sendiri. Cahaya televisi saja tidak cukup, sepertinya aku perlu menyalakan lampu.

“Kalau tidur itu lampunya dimatiin!” ujarmu dari ujung belahan Indonesia bagian barat tetapi terdengar seperti ada di dalam ruangan yang sama hanya karena bantuan kabel dan jaringan sinyal.

“Ogah! Kamu kan tahu dari dulu kalau aku tidur itu lampunya nyala,” sahutku.

“Heran deh, kenapa bisa kamu tidur dengan lampu nyala gitu?” tanyamu.

“Aku juga heran, kenapa kamu bisa tidur kondisi lampu mati gitu?”

Hei, lihatlah aku sekarang, selalu mematikan lampu kamar ketika akan tidur. Ah! Lagi-lagi aku merasakan sedikit rasa ngilu dalam hati ketika kenangan tentangmu itu datang kembali. Aku mengalihkan perhatianku segera ke layar handphone setelah suasana lebih terang karena lampu kamar yang menyala. Membuka beberapa notifikasi e-mail kantor, media sosial dan WhatsApp. Beberapa pesan di WhatsApp berasal dari teman-teman yang menanyakan rencana nongkrong di akhir pekan ini. Kemudian pesan beberapa sepupu yang mengajak Sunday lunch atau Sunday dinner.

Busy on a weekend? Tell me about it. Setidaknya malam mingguku tidak terlalu menyedihkan meski statusku ini single. Being single is fun if you know how to make it fun.

Tiba-tiba jariku mulai iseng mencari namamu di deretan kontak WhatsApp. Ah, shit! Kenapa juga aku harus melihat profile picture kamu?

Salahkan jari!

No, you are not. Jari digerakkan oleh otot-otot saraf yang terhubung dengan otak. So, exactly! Blame me, not my finger.

“Seneng bener sih kamu ganti-ganti avatar?” tanyaku ketika sebagian badanmu bersandar di pundakku sedang tanganmu sibuk memilih foto selfie.

“Biar hits dan kekinian banget. Aku kan anaknya memorable.”

“Kalau kamu memorable, sayang, maka aku lovable dong,” kataku dengan nada sedikit menggoda.

“Mesti nggak mau kalah ini,” ujarmu sambil sedikit cemberut.

Sial! Aku buru-buru menutup aplikasi chatting itu dan membuka aplikasi permainan di handphone untuk mengalihkan kenangan tentangmu yang muncul kembali. Cukup lama aku bermain dengan permainan itu hingga rasa kantukku datang kembali. Sangat cukup untuk membuatku mematikan televisi dan lampu kamar ini. Merebahkan kembali tubuhku di atas kasur, hening tetapi mataku belum terpejam.

I love you… I love you, Sayang, desahmu sambil mencumbui wajahku beberapa kali ketika tubuh kita sedang bergumul tanpa sehelai benang pun.

Iya kasur ini, kasur yang sekarang aku tempati tanpamu.

Hingga detik ini, aku masih juga menyayangimu, merindukanmu. Tetapi rasa sayang saja itu tidak cukup untuk hubungan kita. Tidak cukup untuk mempertahankan hubungan kita. Tidak cukup untuk mendekatkan jarak kita. Tidak cukup untuk membuat kita tetap bersama. Rasa rinduku juga tidak cukup untuk membuatku kembali menyapamu. Dan rasa sayang saja juga tidak cukup untuk mendobrak ego kita masing-masing.


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