Life of a Bi (Part 1)

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Di suatu sore.

Butch atau buci itu cewek tapi dia tomboy,” katanya sambil asyik mengamati layar handphone.

“Penampilannya seperti cowok. Lebih maskulin dari perempuan pada umumnya. Rata-rata rambutnya pendek. Kaya cowok gitulah, bahkan ada yang cepak banget. Kadang juga kita sebutnya B aja.” Matanya tetap terpaku pada benda kecil berukuran 5 inch itu.

“Kayak kamu gitu, Yang?” Kusandarkan kepalaku ke bahunya. Ikut melihat dunia di layar handphone.

“Bisa dibilang begitu. Terus kalau yang model-model kamu gitu, yang penampilannya feminin, disebutnya femme atau F. Nah, terus ada juga yang namanya andro atau A.”

“Andro? Itu apa lagi?”

In between B and F biasanya. Sekarang ada juga AB atau AF. Nggak tahu deh. Aku sih nggak terpatok sama label. Ada yang bilang aku B. Ada juga yang ngelabelin aku A. Whatever lah sayang,” tuturnya lalu mencium rambutku. “Aku cuma jadi diri aku sendiri, aku nyaman berpenampilan seperti ini. Gaya aku kayak gini. Terus aku sukanya sama cewek, ya udah.” Dia meletakkan handphone di tangannya.

Aku menyimak penjelasannya. Sore ini begitu bersahabat, di suatu kafe favorit kami. Sebuah kafe dengan beranda yang terbuka, membuat kami semakin menikmati pertemuan sembunyi-sembunyi ini. Kami harus bisa memanfaatkan waktu, karena untuk bertemu saja susahnya bukan main.

Banyak hal yang aku tidak ketahui soal “dunia” ini. Dia dengan sabar menjelaskan dan menjawab pertanyaanku.

“Yang…”

“Ya, Yang?” Sekali lagi bibirnya mengecup keningku.

“Kalau yang seperti aku gini, lesbian bukan?” kutatap matanya lekat-lekat.

**

Namaku Amytha Monica. Panggil saja aku Mimi. I’m married and a mother of a child. Tapi aku juga tertarik pada perempuan. Hal ini baru aku sadari di tahun ketiga pernikahanku

Aku menikah pada saat aku kuliah karena aku hamil. Married by accident, begitu orang-orang bilang.

Aku termasuk orang yang dikekang oleh orangtua. Aku pulang lewat jam 6 sore saja ayah dan ibuku sudah menelepon beberapa kali. Ayah dan ibu juga tak menganggap aku punya pacar. Padahal setiap hari jelas-jelas ada lelaki yang menjemputku. Ayah dan ibuku bilang aku boleh pacaran setelah lulus kuliah. Sedangkan aku sudah memacari beberapa lelaki pada saat itu.

Yang dilarang kedua orangtuaku malah semakin membuatku penasaran. Aku mengeksplor dunia pacaran dan dunia malam. Aku tumbuh menjadi remaja yang nakal tapi tetap berprestasi secara akademis. Aku tak ingin mengecewakan orangtuaku. Sampai akhirnya aku hamil dan harus menikah.

Banyak hal yang terjadi dalam pernikahanku. Ketidaknyamanan dan ketidaksiapan untuk menikah melebar ke permasalahan lainnya.

Suatu hari, pada tahun ketiga pernikahanku aku bertemu lagi dengan seniorku di kampus. Saat itu aku mulai melanjutkan kuliahku yang tertunda. Kami mulai intens berkomunikasi.

Keanehan dalam diriku mulai terjadi. Aku sebelumnya belum pernah merasa se-excited ini jika berkomunikasi dengan seorang wanita. Berbicara dengan seniorku, rasanya kok seperti aku berkomunikasi dengan lelaki.

Aku teringat perkataan sahabatku dulu. Aku bilang kepadanya kalau aku suka melihat perempuan-perempuan tomboy. Aku bilang mereka itu terlihat kuat dan terkesan melindungi. Saat itu sahabatku bilang, “Aku pernah baca artikel. Katanya semua cewek itu punya kecenderungan untuk menjadi seorang lesbian. Kamu kayaknya kecenderungannya gede deh.”

Waktu itu mendengar pernyataannya membuatku tertawa. Tak mungkin terjadi padaku. Jika perkataannya itu benar, kenapa tak kupacari saja sahabatku itu? Dia wanita tomboy, anak band, vokalis, garang, cewek tapi ganteng, dan menjadi salah satu sosok wanita yang aku kagumi.

Beberapa kali kami berciuman karena kalah bermain game. Namun semua itu tak membangkitkan rasa apa pun dalam diriku.

Selama ini pun aku berpacaran dengan lelaki. Namun sekarang, beberapa tahun setelah apa yang dikatakan sahabatku, aku menyadari bahwa aku mulai merasa nyaman dengan seorang perempuan. Bahkan aku mulai menyayanginya. Akhirnya aku memutuskan untuk menjalin suatu hubungan dengannya.

Aku mulai mencari tahu tentang seluk beluk dunia lesbian. Sampai aku mengenal apa itu alter account. Senang rasanya punya satu media tempat aku bisa mencurahkan semua isi hatiku. Di akun itu bahkan aku bisa bermesra-mesraan dengan dia.

Dia bersedia bersamaku meskipun statusku seperti ini. Aku merasa tak pernah senyaman ini dengan seorang lelaki. Aku merasa aku lebih mudah dimengerti dan lebih banyak disayang olehnya. Aku menyayangi perempuanku.

*to be continued*

(AmythaMonicaa, @amythamonicaa)

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