Life of a Bi (Part 3)

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Aku terus menerus mencari pembenaran atas apa yang telah aku putuskan. Bukankah cinta itu saling menerima kekurangan dan mengisi kekosongan yang ada dalam pasangan? Bukankan cinta itu tak pernah berkhianat? Jika iya, lalu apa yang aku jalani dengan suamiku selama ini? Apa namanya? Kenapa tak kusudahi saja rumah tangga ini dan bukannya malah memilih merasa nyaman dengan seorang perempuan, lalu menjalani keduanya di saat yang bersamaan?

“Tapi aku enggak salah, kan, Yang?” Aku mencoba mencari pembenaran lagi dengan bertanya seperti ini pada Nucky. Meskipun via telepon, kami memang intens berkomunikasi. Apalagi di hari dan jam kerja saat suamiku tak ada. Entah itu hanya bertukar pesan singkat atau mengobrol di telepon.

“Sekarang gini,” Nucky memulai penjelasannya. “Kalau dia beneran jagain kamu dengan baik, menyayangi kamu dengan baik, memperhatikan kamu dengan baik, memang kamu bakalan jadi sama aku?”

“Ya enggak sih, bakalan enggak ada celah buat aku ngasih jalan ke orang lain.”

That’s it. Let it be. Biarin kalau udah mesti kayak gini caranya. You deserve the best. Kamu itu layak untuk disayangi, kalau dia enggak mau biar aku yang menyayangi kamu dengan layak.” Pembelaan dan penghargaan seperti ini yang aku butuhkan dari seorang pasangan.

Kata-katanya mungkin terdengar lebay, tapi memang selalu begitu yang dia bilang. Dia tak pernah menyalahkan aku atas apa yang sudah aku putuskan. Dia bilang jika harus begini maka akan begini. Dia juga bilang bukan salahku jika aku akhirnya membuka hati untuk orang lain, hanya saja kali ini aku jatuh cinta dengan seorang perempuan. Aku jatuh cinta dengan rasa pembelaannya terhadapku.

Merasa dibela seperti ini yang aku rindukan. Selama tiga tahun belakangan ini hidupku benar-benar seperti katak dalam tempurung. Yang aku lihat hanya hal-hal itu saja tiap hari. Menjadi perempuan yang begitu-begitu saja setiap hari, tanpa variasi. Tapi dia datang membawa warna dalam hari-hariku ini. Membuatku merasakan kembali perasaan-perasaan yang sudah hilang dan hampir aku lupa rasanya. Hal ini yang semakin membuatku semakin nyaman dan sayang kepadanya. Perempuanku.

Namanya Nucky. Seniorku di kampus dulu, dia adalah salah satu sosok perempuan tomboi yang berhasil menyita perhatianku saat ospek. Kak Nucky dulu bertugas sebagai Seksi Tata Tertib. Aku ‘ampun-ampunan’ kalau sudah terkena tatapan matanya yang tajam itu. Bahkan aku pernah menangis karena dia. Saat ini malah dia yang berada di sana untukku, menguatkanku, memberiku semangat, mengagumiku, memberikan hal-hal yang sangat aku perlukan. Aku yang haus akan perhatian, kasih sayang dan kenyamanan, semua aku dapatkan dari dia.

Nucky sosok yang baik, ngemong, dan tentunya mengerti soal perempuan, tidak seperti suamiku yang acuh tak acuh padaku. Sejak kecil Nucky menganggap dirinya adalah laki-laki. Dia lebih memilih kemeja dan celana daripada rok tutu. Dia juga pernah menangis kepada ibunya meminta agar disunat seperti sepupu lelakinya. Dia tumbuh dengan mindset seperti seorang lelaki. Perempuan seperti ini yang aku suka, tomboi tapi karena bawaan dirinya. Bukan karena pengaruh pergaulan apalagi terbawa-bawa gaya teman-temannya.

Lucu memang, aku semakin dekat begitu saja dengan Nucky. Aku sempat bertanya-tanya kepada teman-temanku tentang apa yang aku rasakan ini. Semua jawabannya sama, “Hati-hati lo, Mi.” Aku sampai saat ini malah tak mengerti apa yang harus aku hati-hatikan. Perasaan menyukai sesama perempuan itu tidak menular, bukan? Namun mendengar tanggapan mereka saja aku sudah merasakan bahwa menjadi seorang L itu tidaklah gampang.

Aku merasa tidak ada yang salah dengan apa yang aku rasakan, tapi kenapa orang-orang di sekitarku sudah men-judge supaya aku hati-hati terhadap Nucky. Padahal dengan Nucky atau bukan, ternyata perasaan suka dengan perempuan itu sudah ada dalam diriku. Mereka saja yang tidak tahu.

“Mi, kamu itu terlalu berharga untuk merasa seperti ini.” Dia memecah lamunanku, seolah tahu aku sedang kepikiran sesuatu.

“Iya, aku beruntung punya kamu sekarang. Aku jadi ngerasa hidup lagi. Aku hampir lupa rasanya bahagia, but you remind me how to be happy. Thanks ya, Sayang.” Aku memang merasa senang. Merasakan yang namanya indahnya jatuh cinta lagi.

“Hehe, aku seneng kalau Mimi merasa gitu.”

“Aku juga seneng punya kamu.”

“Gombalnya pacarku.”

Kami masih anteng mengobrol sore itu. Sebentar lagi kami harus mengakhiri percakapan kami. Sudah terlalu sore, takut suamiku pulang.

“Hmm, Mi.”

“Iya, Sayang?”

“Aku mau nanya, tapi kamu jangan marah.”

“Iya, mau nanya apa?”

“Tapi Mimi janji dulu?”

“Iya, janji nggak akan marah. Mau nanya apa?”

“Kenapa sih Mimi nggak mau cerai aja sama dia?”

*to be continued

(AmythaMonica, @amythamonicaa)

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