Memori Tentangmu (Chapter 3)

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Aku hanya bisa diam. Selang beberapa detik, aku berjanji bahwa aku akan selalu ada untukmu. Entah setan mana yang merasukiku hingga aku bisa berkata demikian.

Aku tak mengerti bagaimana bisa mencintaimu sedemikian hebatnya padahal kamu tak pernah menganggapku ada. Kamu hanya menganggapku ada ketika butuh seseorang yang mau mendengarkan segala keluh kesahmu. Terutama tentang pekerjaanmu yang belakangan baru kuketahui adalah seorang dokter, dan tentang dia yang selalu mempermainkan hatimu. Ketika sedang bersamanya kamu seolah tak mengenalku, tetap saja aku mencintaimu.

Sudah satu minggu ini kamu tak menghubungiku. Awalnya aku merasa tersiksa. Aku mencoba menghubungimu, tapi semua usahaku mendatangkan hasil. Akhirnya kusadari bahwa memang aku harus melupakanmu. Semakin cepat semakin baik sebelum rasa sayang ini semakin dalam. Tepat setelah sepuluh hari, tiba-tiba teleponku berbunyi di tengah malam. Dengan sedikit malas aku mengangkat telepon, ternyata itu telepon darimu. Dengan suara parau kau bilang dirimu sakit. Hampir saja aku loncat dari tempat tidur mendengarnya. Ingin rasanya pagi segera datang karena aku sudah tak sabar ingin melihat keadaanmu.

Aku berangkat menuju tempatmu setelah subuh. Cukup ramai jalanan saat itu dan tanpa sadar aku tancap gas lebih dari 120 km per jam. Sesampainya di sana aku melihat kamu terbaring sakit, badanmu panas. Ketika aku datang kamu mendekapku seolah kamu tak ingin aku pergi. Aku berjanji akan merawatmu hingga sembuh. Setelah dua hari terbaring lemah, akhirnya kamu sembuh dan bisa bekerja lagi di rumah sakit. Setelah kejadian itu, aku senang karena kita bisa dekat kembali.

Aku tak tahu ada apa dengan dirimu. Satu saat kamu bisa begitu baik dan perhatian kepadaku, tapi di saat yang lain sikapmu sangat dingin terhadap. Awalnya aku tak mengerti akan sikapmu itu, tapi setelah berulang kali aku baru memahami. Kamu akan dekat denganku jika sedang sendiri, tapi sikapmu dingin jika sedang intens berhubungan dengan orang yang kau sukai.

Setelah kejadian itu aku berusaha untuk mengungkapkan perasaanku. Saat itu hari Minggu, aku mengajakmu makan di tempat favoritku. Setelah selesai makan, kuungkapkan perasaanku. Aku memintamu menjadi kekasihku. Namun betapa kagetnya aku akan sikapmu. Kamu marah besar dan berkata takkan pernah memberiku kesempatan sampai kapan pun dan hanya akan menjadikanku seorang teman. Hancur hatiku saat mendengarnya. Awalnya aku tidak bisa terima, tapi setelah berpikir selama beberapa hari, aku akhirnya menerima keputusanmu. Aku menceritakan kejadian itu kepada sahabatku. Dia tertawa mengejekku. Menyebalkan, tapi aku tak bisa marah karena memang dari awal dia sudah memperingatkan bahwa aku hanya dipermainkan olehmu.

Aku berusaha untuk menjauhi dan melupakanmu. Tapi sekuat apapun aku berusaha, sepertinya sia-sia. Aku semakin tidak bisa menjauh darimu. Apapun yang kamu katakan dan semua kamu inginkan selalu kulakukan. Namun kamu selalu membuatku menangis dengan ucapan dan perlakuanmu. Begitu pula saat aku memperkenalkanmu kepada sahabatku. Aku tak tahu ada apa di balik sikapmu. Kamu sering sekali marah ketika aku bersamanya, dan memintaku ke tempatmu saat itu juga. Aku selalu menuruti permintaanmu, walaupun jarak rumah sahabatku ke tempatmu itu sangat jauh. Ketika aku bersamamu, seringnya kamu malah marah-marah tak karuan. Aku tak bisa berkata apa-apa selain meminta maaf. Tapi ketika aku merasa cemburu karena kedekatanmu terhadap yang lain kamu dengan santainya mengatakan bahwa kita tak ada hubungan apa-apa, dan kamu malah memintaku mencari pacar. Aku hanya bisa terdiam. Semuanya kusimpan sendiri, sampai suatu hari kuceritakan kepada sahabatku. Orang yang selalu jadi tempat curhatku ini sudah kenyang mendengar ceritaku, responsnya mulai dari memarahiku sampai tak peduli lagi akan apa yang aku lakukan. Seperti biasa, aku hanya bisa menangis.

Untuk kesekian kalinya kamu tak menghubungiku lagi. Aku pun sudah tidak peduli kamu mau menghubungiku atau tidak. Saat itu aku sedang dekat dengan seseorang yang dari dulu mencintaiku. Hanya karena emosi, aku menerimanya sebagai kekasihku setelah dia menyatakan cinta kepadaku. Aku pun bisa menghilangkanmu dari pikiranku meski hanya sesaat.

Ketika aku sedang bersamanya kamu meneleponku. Awalnya aku enggan menerima teleponmu, tapi dia memintaku untuk mengangkatnya. Tanpa diduga, kamu bertanya apa aku masih ada perasaan denganmu. Aku terkejut dengan pertanyaanmu. Aku bingung menjawab pertanyaanmu saat itu. Di satu sisi aku tidak bisa melupakanmu sepenuhnya, di sisi lain aku telah bersamanya. Ketika aku menjawab apa yang aku rasakan sebenarnya, kamu pun tersenyum mendengar jawabanku. Setelah hari itu, kita kembali sering berkomunikasi via telepon, sekadar bertukar cerita akan keseharian.

Aku bingung, harus berkata apa kepadanya tentangmu. Aku takut dia akan marah dan tak bisa terima atas apa yang terjadi. Aku kembali bercerita kepada sahabatku. Katanya, aku harus menghormati pacarku. Kalau pun aku tak bisa melanjutkan hubunganku,  aku harus mengatakan yang sesungguhnya. Akhirnya dengan segala keberanian yang tersisa aku mengatakan padanya bahwa aku masih mencintaimu dan akan kembali bersamamu apapun yang terjadi. Mendengarku bicara seperti itu, dia hanya terdiam seribu bahasa, dan aku merasa bersalah dengan keadaan ini. Setelah lama ia membisu akhirnya ia mengatakan akan melepaskanku untukmu, demi kebahagiaanku. Aku tak tahu harus bahagia atau sedih mendengarnya. Hanya rasa bersalah yang ada.

 

(Fiore)

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