Tiada yang Salah, Hanya Aku Manusia Bodoh

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Pernahkah kamu merasakan suatu kondisi dimana kamu merasa sudah sangat lelah dengan suatu keadaan, sampai-sampai air mata pun enggan menetes lagi? Saking kamu terlalu sering menangis akhir-akhir ini? Sudah terlalu lelah dan melalui tahap jatuh yang sejatuh-jatuhnya, hingga kamu tak bisa merasa sakit lagi karena kamu sudah merasa sangat sakit?

Aku sedang berada di masa itu..

***

Dulu, pertama kalinya aku memiliki pacar perempuan, selama hampir tiga tahun lamanya, tiba-tiba seorang wanita yang tak asing namanya mengirim permintaan pertemanan di akun Facebook-ku. “Oh, junior aku di kampus dulu ya,” ujarku dalam hati. Namun ada yang janggal dengannya, berkali-kali dia mengirim permintaan, sampai notifikasiku beberapa kali dipenuhi olehnya, namun ketika aku klik permintaan tersebut, permintaannya tak ada. “Ah mungkin dia cancel request,” gumamku lagi. Namun keesokan harinya dia mengirim permintaan lagi, aku langsung klik accept dan dia langsung like profile picture yang baru saja aku ganti beberapa hari yang lalu.

Kupikir ada yang tak beres dengannya. Ternyata benar saja. Wanita itu adalah pacar barunya pacarku, pada saat itu aku dan pacarku memang belum putus secara resmi, tapi sudah mulai memasuki masa renggang. Tetap saja aku sangat merasa dibodohi olehnya karena dia membiarkan pacar barunya berteman denganku di akun Facebook. Jujur saja aku merasa terancam, karena dia itu juniorku di kampus, dia mengenal teman-temanku, yang terlintas dibenakku saat itu aku takut teman-temanku yang sangat kontra terhadap pacarku yang sering come out di kampus menjadi tahu tentang aku yang sekarang dan menjadi tahu bahwa akulah pacarnya yang sekarang.

Aku sangat merasa dibodohi, sangat kesal dan marah, atas sikapnya yang membiarkan wanita itu masuk dalam kehidupannya sebelum menyelesaikan urusannya denganku. Tidak hanya membiarkan wanita itu masuk kedalam akunku, dia juga kemudian menjelajahi akunku sepuasnya, dan menjawab rasa ingin tahunya semaunya. Sementara aku hanya terdiam tanpa tahu apa maksud dan tujuannya mengirim permintaan pertemanan itu.

Sekarang, dua tahun setelah kejadian itu, aku berada di suatu keadaan yang hampir serupa. Saat ini aku baru saja pisah dengan seorang yang teramat sangat aku sayangi. Keadaan ini sungguh rumit, sulit dan tak bisa lagi aku jalani. Bahkan sampai kondisiku pun semakin melemah, terlalu memikirkan kehilangan ini. Belakangan aku tahu dia sudah membuka hati untuk wanita lain. Aku tahu dia sedang berusaha mencari penggantiku karena kehilangan ini benar-benar menyiksa hati kami. Aku dan dia masih belum bisa melepas satu sama lain, bahkan aku sempat drop lagi ketika tahu dia mulai menemui wanita itu.

Namun ada satu hal yang tidak aku ketahui. Aku terlalu awam di dunia percintaan sesama wanita ini, sehingga aku hanya terfokus pada wanita itu, tapi ternyata ada wanita lain juga yang sempat menemaninya. Wanita itu, sudah aku anggap seperti adikku sendiri, anak kecil polos yang sangat aku sayangi. Bahkan dia yang aku cari ketika aku rasa aku tak sanggup menahan semua sendiri, karena cuma dia satu-satunya orang yang aku kenal dekat dan kupercaya hingga kuanggap sebagai adikku sendiri.

Aku lupa… Bahkan seorang yang sudah kupercayai seperti apa pun, juga tetap seorang wanita yang mencintai wanita. Mantan pacarku pun wanita yang mencintai wanita juga. Tak ada salahnya mereka bersama. Tak ada yang salah. Hanya aku merasa bodoh, idiot dan tolol.

Aku menceritakan kisah sakitku kepadanya. Yang aku tak tahu adalah bisa saja di belakangku dia menceritakannya lagi kepada mantanku? Atau mereka sama-sama membicarakan aku? Entah apa saja yang telah mereka bicarakan tentangku. Aku bahkan sudah mempersiapkan waktu untuk bertemu dengan si adik dan bertekad untuk menceritakan semuanya, karena aku sangat percaya kepadanya. Ternyata tak perlu lagi aku menemui dan menceritakan semua kepadanya. Ya, mantanku sudah menceritakan semua padanya. Sungguh mengejutkan memang, walaupun mereka cuma dekat dalam waktu seminggu, tapi aku sungguh tak pernah membayangkan, apalagi terlintas dalam pikiranku hal ini bisa terjadi. Benar-benar di luar logika.

Ini rasanya mirip dengan kejadian yang aku alami dua tahun lalu, aku seperti merasa sangat dibodohi. Aku menaruh rasa percaya yang besar, terlalu besar bahkan kepada mereka. Meskipun secara status, sah-sah saja mereka bersama, entah sebentar atau pun lama. Toh aku  sudah tak ada hak lagi untuk ikut campur.

Namun tak bisa kupungkiri bahwa ini menyakitkan. Rasanya luar biasa berkali-kali lipat dari kejadian dua tahun lalu. Mendengarnya saja aku hanya banyak terdiam, bahkan air mataku sudah enggan menetes lagi, Aku sudah merasa ini sakit, tapi apalagi? Perpisahan yang aku lalui sudah sangat membuat luka menganga dalam hatiku.

Mengetahui dia mulai membabi buta mendekati wanita ini dan itu sebagai pelampiasan juga sudah menambah luka dalam hatiku. Dan mengetahui dia pernah dekat dengan seseorang yang sudah aku anggap seperti adikku sendiri? Ah, aku sudah terlalu lelah dan sakit dengan semua ini.

Semua hal bisa terjadi dalam dunia ini, bahkan di dunia yang penuh dengan perasaan kasih sayang ini. Aku juga tahu ini terjadi di dalam masa tersulit yang harus dihadapi mantanku, bahkan aku sampai tak mengenal dia yang sekarang. Dulu, setahuku dia sangat menghargai perasaan dan perempuan. Jika dia sampai seperti ini, pastilah perpisahan kami kemarin sangat memukul, sehingga membuatnya berubah. Hanya saja aku  kaget dan tidak menyangka. Ini benar-benar sukses membuatku kembali ke keadaan pernah kualami, dimana aku harus menelan pil penenang hanya supaya rasa cemasku berkurang dan aku bisa tertidur pulas lagi.

(Anonim)

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