How Can This be So Sensitive?

Young lonely woman on bench in park
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Terkadang mempunyai “perasaan” lebih ke seseorang itu menyenangkan, tapi bisa juga tidak. Terkadang aku bisa sangat bersyukur, tapi tidak jarang pula aku mengumpat dalam diam karena mempunyai “perasaan” seperti ini. Kalau bisa memilih, aku ingin memiliki perasaan yang biasa-biasa, tak perlu lebih. Namun ini terjadi begitu saja.

Satu waktu, hanya karena tanpa sengaja aku melihat sebuah foto sepasang kekasih yang diunggah di salah satu jejaring sosial, tanpa aku tahu ataupun mengenal dekat dengan mereka tapi aku seperti bisa merasakan dan bergumam dalam hati, “Hanya salah seorang saja yang begitu mencintai, lainnya tidak. Hubungan mereka tidak akan bertahan lama.” Dan ya, tidak lama mereka berpisah karena alasan yang aku rasakan.

Di lain waktu, di satu jejaring sosial aku bisa merasakan ada sesuatu yang tidak beres dengan teman baikku, bahkan tanpa dia menunjukkannya. Aku mengiriminya pesan untuk memastikan dia baik-baik saja. Dibalasnya  pesanku dengan “I’m good..”

Aku tidak percaya, sekali lagi aku bertanya untuk memastikannya benar- benar baik- baik saja, yang akhirnya dia balas dengan “Your feeling’s so damn good, Mbak Yu.”

“Perasaan” ku akhir-akhir ini sedang tidak menentu, seolah- seolah sedang mencari jawaban untuk menuntaskan dahaganya. Kepada dia yang memanggilku Mbak Yu, aku sering mengeluhkan kenapa aku mempunyai perasaan yang seperti ini, yang begitu sensitif, yang tak jarang sering melukai perasaanku sendiri. Dan saat ini perasaanku terluka. Aku mempunyai “perasaan” untuk perasaanku sendiri, bad feelings. Dan jawaban untuk perasaanku saat ini adalah perpisahan.


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