Life of a Bi (Part 11 – The End)

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Bagaikan menabur garam di luka yang sudah mulai mengering. Perihnya terasa lagi. Satu SMS dari Nucky membuyarkan semua jerih payah move on yang aku lakukan selama beberapa bulan terakhir ini. Aku teringat semua kenangan indah dengan Nucky lagi.

Rasa kehilangan yang sudah aku obati sendiri dengan segala ketegaranku, jadi terasa lagi. Rasa sakit ditinggal oleh orang yang aku sayangi kembali menjadi-jadi. Tak ada yang bisa kulakukan selain menangis.

“Nggak. Aku nggak boleh gini terus,” aku menguatkan diriku lagi. Supaya aku tak larut terlalu lama dalam kesedihan.

Aku memutuskan untuk membalas pesan singkatnya via pesan di Facebook. Aku tahu Tiara akan mengetahui pesanku. Biar saja, biar Nucky tahu rasanya memainkan perasaanku.

“Buat apa kamu SMS aku lagi? Pake sok-sokan bilang Happy Valentine segala lagi.”

Tak lama setelah aku mengirim pesan di Facebook, ada nomor yang tak kukenal meneleponku.

“Halo,” aku mengangkat telepon itu.

“Iya, halo. Ini Mimi ya?” suara seorang perempuan di sana. Nampaknya aku tak mengenal suara itu.

“Iya, sorry ini siapa?”

“Ini Tiara, Mi. Aku mau ngobrol bentar boleh?”

“Oh, Tiara. Ada apa? Mau bahas soal message aku di Facebook Nucky ya?” Aku menebak poin utama, aku malas berbasa basi.

Aku dan Tiara mengobrol via telepon cukup lama. Awalnya dia tak percaya kalau Nucky mengirim SMS lagi kepadaku, tapi aku bilang bahwa aku punya bukti screenshot SMS yang dikirim Nucky.

Tiara masih belum percaya, akhirnya aku meminta pin BBM Tiara dan aku mengirimkan bukti sms Nucky. Aku bahkan menantang Tiara untuk bertemu, bertiga dengan Nucky.

Aku geram. Inginnya aku menyelesaikan semuanya dengan jelas, bukannya membiarkan semua menguap begitu saja tanpa kejelasan.

Tapi Tiara tidak mengiyakan untuk kami bertemu bertiga. Tiara bilang cukuplah aku dan dia bertemu.

Nucky pun sempat meneleponku dan memohon agar aku tidak menemui Tiara dan membiarkan masalah ini. Tapi aku ingin semua masalah ini selesai dengan jelas.

Esok harinya aku dan Tiara bertemu di suatu kafe dekat kampus kami. Sore itu, sepulang aku kerja, aku duduk di meja yang ada di balkon kafe. Aku menyalakan sebatang rokok, sambil menunggu Tiara.

“Mi, sorry aku telat,” tiba-tiba seorang perempuan berambut panjang datang menghampiriku. Perempuan ini, perempuan yang menjadi pilihan Nucky.

“Hai, Tiara,” aku mengulurkan tangan kepada Tiara. Basa-basi busuk sedikit. Sebenarnya aku malas tapi aku harus bersikap dewasa dan legowo. “Duduk sini, Ra. Rokok?” Aku mempersilakannya duduk di kursi sampingku sambil menawarkan rokok.

Tiara datang menggunakan rok span hitam, tanktop pink yang dilapisi blazer. Sepertinya dia pulang kerja juga sama sepertiku. Rambutnya panjang dan lurus. Hmm, agak sedikit berbeda dengan yang kulihat di display picture BBM. Di foto lebih terlihat mulus, mungkin efek Camera 360.

“Nggak, Mi. Aku nggak ngerokok,” jawab Tiara sambil duduk di sampingku. “Rambut kamu dipotong ya?”

“Iya nih, buang sial. Haha,” aku mencoba bercanda mencairkan suasana yang cukup aneh ini. Bayangkan saja, aku harus bertemu dengan pacar baru mantan pacarku yang belum putus secara resmi. Aku saat itu memang memotong rambut panjangku menjadi pendek sebahu. Sebenarnya bukan karena buang sial, tapi tuntutan pekerjaan menjadi seorang frontliner yang harus mencepol rambut setiap hari, jadi kupotong saja supaya tidak ribet.

“Jadi ya, kamu nggak usah khawatir, aku sih udah nggak mungkin balikan sama Nucky. Kalau saja Nucky itu laki-laki, mungkin hubungan kami bisa lebih jelas. Mungkin aku udah lebih milih cerai dan married sama dia, tapi kan kenyataannya dia itu cewek, ya mau sampai kapan aku sama dia pacaran. Mau dibawa kemana juga hubungannya,” aku terlibat obrolan yang cukup panjang dan ke sana-kemari menjelaskan betapa aku sudah menutup hatiku untuk kembali lagi kepada Nucky.

Memang sebelumnya aku dan Nucky selalu menemukan jalan untuk kembali, tapi kali ini aku menutup rapat-rapat jalan itu.

Tiara benar-benar menyimak penjelasanku, jelas sekali ada gurat kekhawatiran di wajahnya. Dia ketakutan jika aku kembali pada Nucky.

“Tapi gimana nih, kalau Nucky kontak kamu lagi kayak kemarin?”

“Ya tugas kamu dong, Ra, jagain Nucky biar jempolnya nggak gatel nge-text aku. Kalau aku pribadi sih udah bener-bener deh, udah ga ada pilihan selain nyerahin Nucky sama kamu. Sok, mangga, aku mah udah ngerasain hampir tiga tahun sama Nucky kayak apa. Nggak kuat sama sikap over protective dan lebaynya. Haha,” lagi-lagi aku membawa bercanda. Sebenarnya aku juga tak bisa santai. Tanganku dingin sedari tadi aku duduk di kafe itu.

“Jadi dari kamunya, udah bener-bener nggak mau balik lagi sama Nucky?”

“Iyaa, Tiara. Bener deh. Aku harus berhenti, balik lagi ke kehidupan aku sebagai seorang istri dan ibu. Mungkin cerita aku sama Nucky cuma hiasan aja. Ngasih warna dalam hidup aku yang hitam putih, yang sebelumnya nggak ada warna. Biar Nucky jadi perempuan pertama, sekaligus perempuan terakhir aku. Kasian kalau harus ada Nucky-Nucky yang lain. Kesiksa pacaran sama aku yang udah married begini.”

Sore itu aku seperti melakukan prosesi serah-terima Nucky kepada Tiara. Tak ada kata putus atau kata-kata yang mengakhiri hubunganku dan Nucky. Terakhir dia menghubungiku hanya memohon untuk tidak menceritakan semua pada Tiara dan memohon agar aku tak menemui Tiara. Nucky takut hubungan yang baru dia mulai, menjadi rusak lagi.

Aku mengerti, Nucky pasti akan lebih memilih Tiara. Dia pasti memilih untuk menjaga hubungannya yang baru dengan Tiara, daripada denganku. Sudahlah jelas Tiara yang akan memenangkan hatinya. Seorang wanita berstatus single yang memiliki banyak waktu untuknya, tak seperti diriku yang memiliki banyak keterbatasan waktu. Apalah aku ini jika dibandingkan Tiara, statusku sudah menikah dan memiliki seorang anak, sedangkan Tiara masih memiliki kebebasan sehingga Nucky bisa memilikinya dengan utuh.

Aku tahu diri, aku mengalah demi kebahagiaan Nucky dan Tiara. Meskipun sebenarnya aku ingin menemui Nucky untuk yang terakhir kali dan menyelesaikan hubungan kami dengan baik, tapi nampaknya Tiara tak mengizinkan Nucky untuk bertemu denganku lagi.

Biarlah Nucky menjadi perempuan pertama yang menyadarkanku bahwa ternyata aku mencintai sesosok perempuan. Dia yang membuatku menyadari betapa indahnya dicintai oleh seorang perempuan dan memberikan aku kesempatan untuk menikmati hidup yang lebih berwarna.

Meskipun aku dan Nucky berakhir dengan tidak ada kejelasan, namun apa yang Nucky telah berikan kepadaku sangatlah jelas. Cinta yang begitu dalam yang belum pernah aku rasakan.

Semoga kamu bahagia dengan Tiara. Semoga kamu mendapatkan apa yang selama ini tak bisa kuberikan. Semoga perjuangan kamu dalam mencintai tak perlu dibalut luka, seperti saat kamu mencintai aku.

Seperti yang aku bilang pada Tiara, kamu adalah perempuan pertamaku, sekaligus perempuan terakhirku.

*The End*

(Amytha Monica, @amythamonicaa)

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