Life of a Bi (Part 5)

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“Ya pacar aku lah, Yang. Kamu kok gitu aja ditanyain sih?” aku dan Nucky masih terhubung via telepon. Masih dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaannya yang belum tidak ada habisnya.

“Bukan, maksudku peran aku buat hidupmu itu apa?” Lagi-lagi Nucky menjawab pertanyaanku dengan pertanyaan lainnya.

Aku terdiam. Bingung. Tak mengerti dengan isi kepalanya.

“Kamu cuma jadikan aku pelarian ya? Karena kamu nggak bahagia sama pernikahan kamu, jadi kamu pacarin aku. Iya kan?” Nucky memperjelas lagi pertanyaannya.

Aku masih terdiam. Tak tahu harus menjawab apa. Pertanyaan-pertanyaannya menimbulkan sakit hati. Aku dianggap hanya melampiaskan ketidakbahagiaan pernikahanku.

Jika memang dia hanya kujadikan pelarian saja, tak mungkin aku bersama Nucky selama ini. Aku benar-benar mencintai Nucky seperti apa pun keadaan pernikahanku.

Air mataku menetes. Aku meletakkan handphone-ku begitu saja tanpa kuputuskan hubungan teleponnya. Kubiarkan dia bicara sendiri hingga dia akhirnya menutup teleponnya karena tak kunjung ada jawaban dariku.

Aku menangis sejadi-jadinya. Apakah itu yang dia pikirkan selama ini? Apakah dia hanya menganggap aku mencintainya hanya untuk pelarian? Apakah dia tidak melihat bagaimana aku susah meluangkan waktu untuknya? Apakah dia tak menyadari betapa aku mengesampingkan hal-hal lain demi memberinya waktu untuk berduaan?

Hari itu aku tak menggubris Nucky sama sekali. Sampai akhirnya dia mengajakku untuk bertemu. Aku masih tak menjawab permintaannya untuk bertemu. Susah. Aku bukannya tak ingin menemuinya. Tapi aku harus mencari waktu yang aman untuk bertemu dengannya.

Aku hanyalah ibu rumah tangga biasa yang baru lulus kuliah. Setiap hari aku mengurus anakku yang baru berumur dua tahun. Punya anak balita itu susah-susah gampang. Susah untuk bergerak karena harus memantau anak terus, tetapi gampang untuk merasa bahagia. Melihat perkembangannya setiap hari, membuat penyesalanku tentang kehamilan di luar nikah pun semakin berkurang.

Aku bersyukur kini aku menjadi fulltime mother yang memiliki anak yang lucu dan pintar. Setiap aku melihat senyum dan tawanya, aku merasa bahagia karena aku telah memilih untuk mempertahankannya di dalam rahimku. Dulu, tak pernah terlintas sedikit pun dalam benakku untuk menggugurkannya.

Sekarang aku melihat bahwa itu adalah pilihan yang tepat dan bersyukur  memiliki seorang anak yang lucu. Terkadang saat dia tidur aku membelai dan menciuminya terus menerus, saking aku merasa beruntung tidak pernah menggugurkannya. Bayangkan jika aku dulu membuang janin dalam rahimku, tak akan bisa aku melihat buah hatiku ini. Dialah alasan aku bertahan dan berjuang.

Tetapi menjadi fulltime mother membuatku sulit mengatur waktu untuk bertemu dengan Nucky. Aku harus menitipkan anakku dulu kepada orangtua atau mertuaku. Saat kuliahku sudah selesai, tak ada lagi alasan kuat untuk pergi keluar sendiri lagi. Semakin sulit untukku menemui Nucky.

“Maaf, tapi aku lagi nggak bisa keluar,” akhirnya aku membalas BBM Nucky keesokan harinya.

Ini bukan karena aku sedang bad mood kepadanya. Namun aku benar-benar tak bisa menemuinya karena aku sedang tak bisa pergi ke mana-mana.

Terkadang aku merasa sangat jahat dan egois. Aku mencintai suamiku dan perempuanku di saat yg bersamaan. Aku benar-benar tak bisa menghapus rasa sayangku kepada Nucky.

Aku merasa bersalah terhadap Nucky setiap kali aku bercinta dengan suamiku. Wajahnya selalu terbayang dalam benakku. Rasanya aku ingin Nucky yang ada saat itu, bukan suamiku. Sebaliknya, aku tak merasa bersalah sedikit pun pada suamiku saat aku bersama Nucky. Karena seperti yang Nucky bilang padaku, jika dia menjaga, memperhatikan dan mencintaiku dengan benar, maka kisah aku dan Nucky tak akan pernah ada.

“Aku mohon usahain ya. Aku pengen ngomong sama kamu,” Nucky membalas BBM-ku.

“Kan bisa ngomong di telepon. Telepon aja kalau mau ngomong sekarang,” aku membalas BBM Nucky lagi.

Saat itu memungkinkan untuk bicara via telepon dengan Nucky karena masih di jam kerja suamiku. Kesempatan aku dan Nucky untuk mengobrol lewat telepon memang  terbatas, beda halnya jika bertukar pesan via BBM, aku justru bisa melakukannya kapan saja. Lagipula, handphone juga aku kunci oleh password yang tak diketahui suamiku.

“Ya udah, aku telepon kamu sekarang ya.”

*to be continued*

(Amytha Monica, @amythamonicaa)

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