Memori Tentangmu (Chapter 4 – Final)

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Setelah lama ia membisu akhirnya ia mengatakan akan melepaskanku untukmu, demi kebahagiaanku. Aku tak tahu harus bahagia atau sedih mendengarnya. Hanya rasa bersalah yang ada. 

Sejak saat itu, hari-hariku bersamamu lebih menyenangkan. Aku bisa menjemput dan mengantarmu bekerja hampir setiap hari. Aku lakukan semua itu dengan perasaan bahagia, walaupun sahabatku berkata aku bodoh karena hanya dijadikan budak saja olehmu. Kamu pun menjadi lebih perhatian kepadaku. Kamu berkata kita akan memiliki rumah yang sederhana. Aku sangat senang mendengarnya. Aku merasa kamu telah menerimaku di hatimu.

Ternyata dugaanku itu keliru, setelah beberapa bulan, kamu kembali seperti dulu. Misterius, acuh dan selalu emosi atas apa yang aku lakukan. Aku mulai berpikir apa lagi yang membuatmu berubah. Saat perjalanan pulang menuju rumahmu, aku bertanya tentang perubahan sikapmu kali ini dan tanpa diduga kamu bertanya padaku apakah aku mau mengikuti keyakinanmu, karena kamu menginginkan pasangan yang seagama. Aku tertegun sejenak dengan pertanyaanmu, sedetik kemudian aku pun berbalik tanya padamu. Jika aku mengikuti keyakinanmu apakah kamu mau menerimaku selamamya menjadi pendampingmu? Dan apakah kamu mau mengenalkanku pada keluargamu? Dengan lantang kamu menjawab bahwa tidak mungkin kamu mengenalkanku pada keluargamu. Karena perberbedaan etnis dan juga kamu tak mungkin menyakiti hati keluargamu dengan keadaan ini.

Kalau memang tak bisa, mengapa kamu memaksaku berpindah keyakinan? Aku meyakinkanmu bahwa itu semua bukan penghalang jika kamu memang mencintaiku. Tapi kamu tetap berdalih ingin beribadah bersama dengan pendampingmu. Entah apa maksud dari kata-katamu saat itu, aku tak mengerti.

Setelah percakapan kita saat itu, hari-hari kita lewati seperti biasa, tanpa ada masalah. Tapi itu tidak bertahan lama. Kamu mulai menjauh dan membatasi pertemuan kita, kabar pun jarang kuterima. Apalagi saat kamu hendak berangkat ke Jawa untuk meminta surat dari kampus sebagai syarat melanjutkan pendidikan S2. Seminggu di sana, tak sekali pun kamu memberi kabar. Gelisah rasanya hatiku.

Kamu baru memberi kabar saat hendak pulang dan memintaku untuk menjemput di hari Minggu. Saat itu juga hatiku senang bukan main karena kamu sempat bilang akan menginap di rumahku. Namun senyumku lenyap saat setelah kujemput, kamu bilang hanya ingin singgah sebentar dan minta diantar pulang. “Lebih baik kamu langsung kuantar pulang,” tukasku saat itu. Kamu kesal dan hanya terdiam. Tak sedikit pun kau tatap mataku. Kamu juga cuek saat aku pamit pulang dan hanya mengucapkan terima kasih lalu masuk tanpa menoleh sedikit pun. Sejak saat itu kamu tak pernah menghubungiku lagi. Aku sudah mencoba untuk menghubungimu, tapi kamu sepertinya sudah tidak mau lagi berhubungan denganku. Hari-hari kulewati hanya dengan menangis dan berharap kamu menghubungiku. Tapi itu semua tak pernah terjadi.

Dalam keterpurukanku datanglah dia yang menghiburku. Dia yang aku kenal dari media sosial juga. Sosok yang selalu memberiku semangat bahwa di luar sana masih banyak orang yang menyayangiku. Dia juga yang selalu bilang bahwa yang baik menurut kita belum tentu yang terbaik buat kita.

Dia benar, mungkin kamu baik, tapi bukan yang terbaik untukku dan sekarang aku pun harus belajar hidup tanpamu. Dua bulan sudah aku tak mendengar kabar darimu. Dua bulan pula dia selalu mendampingi diriku dalam masa sulitku. Dia selalu ada saat aku membutuhkannya. Setelah beberapa bulan berjalan akhirnya aku menerima dia sebagai kekasihku, walaupun dia tahu hatiku belum bisa menerimanya, tetapi dia tetap sabar menghadapiku dan selalu ada di sampingku. Seiring berjalannya waktu aku bisa menerimanya dan mencintainya dengan sepenuh hatiku.

Hari ini tepat satu tahun aku tak mendengar kabar darimu. Bukannya aku tak mau mencarimu, tetapi karena kamulah dulu yang memintaku pergi dari hidupmu. Lagipula kini aku telah bersamanya, dan aku telah bahagia dengannya. Aku telah menemukan orang yang terbaik untuk kuajak menjalani suka dan duka. Kami memang punya masa lalu masing masing, tapi tak pernah sekali pun kami menoleh ke belakang. Aku pernah bilang padanya, bahwa aku tak bisa berjanji selamanya dengannya, tapi aku berjanji bahwa hari ini aku akan menggenggam tangannya dengan erat. Entah sampai kapan.

Aku berterima kasih kepada Tuhan untuk pertemuan kita. Dari situlah aku belajar untuk setia dan tak mengumbar janji yang tak mungkin kutepati. Aku juga berterima kasih karena dipertemukan dengan sosok yang selalu menerima segala kekuranganku. Orang yang selalu mengajariku arti bahagia. Sebuah bahagia yang berarti bukan selalu berada di samping atau menjadi pendampingmu, tetapi suatu kebahagiaan yang ternyata ada di dalam diriku sendiri. Semuanya didapat dari menerima dan selalu bersyukur atas apa yang telah Tuhan berikan. Aku takkan pernah melupakanmu, dan aku pun tak pernah lupa untuk selalu mendoakanmu. Semoga Tuhan selalu melindungimu, kamu bisa mencapai apa yang kamu inginkan, dan kamu mendapat pendamping yang benar-benar kamu sayangi. Semoga kamu selalu bahagia di mana pun kamu berada.

(Fiore)

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