Mencintai dan (Tidak) Dicintai

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Jujur aku lupa bagaimana rasanya mencintai, tapi aku masih ingat dengan sangat bagaimana rasanya dicintai tapi tak dipilih. Cinta tak seharusnya tentang memilih bukan? Bukankah cinta adalah mengenai kesadaran diri untuk berdiri di sisinya meski dunia mengatakan tidak dan mencemoohmu? Atau itu memang bukan cinta sejak awal? Sebuah kesalahan dalam membaca tanda? Entahlah aku lelah bermain tanda tanya tak berjawab.

Ya, aku lupa bagaimana rasanya jatuh cinta dan mencintai. Jadi, aku menghalau jauh mereka yang mendekat dan mencoba meruntuhkan dinding tebal yang telah dengan berhasil kubangun sejak patah hatiku terakhir kali. Beberapa yang mendekat mendapatiku sangat dingin, kaku, dan kadang terlalu angkuh. Tak apa. Aku hanya sedang memberikan perlindungan diri. Mungkin dengan cara yang kau anggap salah.

Ah, ya, Kau. Kenalkan dia yang datang, lebih tepatnya yang aku undang masuk sebagai teman yang berakhir dengan pernyataan cinta yang sayangnya tak bisa aku iyakan. Aku sedang tak berniat untuk jatuh kedua kali dalam jebakan “kita jalani saja dulu” dengan harapan nanti akan terbangun koneksi yang jauh lebih intim. Tidak, aku tak berniat untuk itu dan aku mulai merasa kagum dengan pertahanan yang kubangun. Aku sendiri tak menyangka, bisa sekonsisten ini untuk sendiri dalam waktu yang cukup lama.

Berbicara mengenai dicintai, setelah sekian lama menutup diri, kau datang dengan deklarasi yang tak begitu lantang tapi masih bisa kudengar, dalam setiap gerak tubuh dan tatap matamu, bahwa aku dicintai. Dengan baik. Dengan lembut. Kau tahu, aku benci menatap mata seseorang. Sangat. Karena itu adalah jalur paling mudah yang memungkinkan orang untuk masuk ke bagian terapuh dari diriku. Jadi aku tak sering menatapmu. But when I do, I know exactly what is in your eyes and I am terrified of it. Bahkan aku sangat benci akan hal itu. Terlebih aku benci ada yang mengatakan dia mencintaiku. Aku benci dengan sebuah pernyataan cinta karena aku sangat benci harus memberikan jawaban untuk hal yang tidak ingin aku jawab. Aku benci berkata tidak. Egois? Oh, ya, sangat. Kau tahu dengan pasti betapa sangat egois dan keras kepalanya aku. Dan aku hanya berkompromi saat aku mencintai. Dan itu tidak kulakukan kepadamu ataupun pada orang lain di luar sana. Aku tidak berkompromi dengan siapa pun mengenai perasaanku (lagi). No one. Not ever again.

Tapi pada akhirnya, satu penolakan adalah hal yang lebih baik daripada tidak berkata apapun lalu menghilang begitu saja, bukan? (yeah, that’s what I always did. Running away). Mungkin. Kadang pembenaran akan satu hal yang tidak lebih buruk dari yang satunya dibutuhkan untuk merasa lebih baik, setidaknya bagi satu pihak. Sangat manusiawi sekali. Walau kadang aku berpikir, bagian manusia mana yang tersisa dari diriku selain tubuh?

Aku harus mengatakan dengan sangat jujur bahwa aku benci dicintai. Aku tidak ingin dicintai oleh mereka, yang pantas dicintai balik. Mengapa pantas? Simply because when I let people in, as a friend, lover, I just know for sure I can trust them. Dan untuk satu dan banyak hal, we’re bonding. Berbicara tentang kesenangan yang sama, berbagi buku untuk berdiskusi, jenis lagu yang sama, patah hati yang sama, dan yah, bahkan menonton Running Man bersama. We’re bonding in one and so many other things, but ironically we don’t share the same feeling. Ya, seironis itu.

Aku belum berada di posisi yang bisa menjelaskan kenapa aku benci dicintai. I just hate it. Like really really hate it. It makes me feel bad. And I am so done being a jerk. Jadi, bagaimana aku harus menjawab pertanyaanmu tentang kenapa aku membiarkanmu tetap sebagai temanku setelah ada pernyataan cinta darimu? Sedangkan kau tahu bahwa aku akan sangat dengan kejam memutuskan apapun itu hubungan dengan siapa pun jika aku mengetahui orang tersebut memiliki rasa yang tidak bisa aku kembalikan dengan porsi yang sama. Jadi, jawaban untuk pertanyaanmu adalah, aku tidak tahu. Satu hal yang pasti, aku akan membiarkanmu pergi jika itu adalah satu dari banyak jalan lain untuk bisa membuatmu merasa lebih baik. I’ll fucking take any ways  to make sure you’re okay again, but not by being your lover, not that one. If I have to leave, I’ll fucking shut the door and wave goodbye. Well, that’s make me sound even jerk than I am now. Ck!

Apapun itu, aku lupa bagaimana rasanya jatuh cinta dan mencintai. Aku takut dicintai karena aku takut akan bagaimana aku akan memperlakukan orang itu ke depannya. Ya, aku si pengecut yang selalu berkata “Seriously, I am doing just fine” dan kau orang pertama yang berani menjawab “No, you’re not. You’re lonely”. Fuck I hate it when you’re right! Dan aku sangat tidak pandai berbicara bertatap muka, sama denganmu, jadi aku tuliskan ini sebagai jawaban dari dua suratmu sebelumnya yang aku tidak tahu akan kau baca. Untukmu, Scorpio menyebalkan, yeah, I admit it, I am lonely. I am just trying so hard to look fine and be strong enough for myself. Nah, you happy now? You jerk! *giggle*

Terima kasih untuk cinta yang tidak bisa kubalas. Kau tahu, untuk seseorang yang pernah mencintai dengan sangat (mungkin) dan dicintai sama besarnya (mungkin) namun tak dipilih sepertiku, aku sangat berhati-hati untuk tidak membuatmu atau siapa pun untuk merasakan hal yang sama karena rasanya aku mulai menjadi seseorang yang aku sadari dengan pasti, aku memang ingin menjadi seperti itu. Dan itu bukan figur yang baik. Ironi.

Terima kasih untuk cintanya, waktu yang terbuang, candaan tidak senonoh. Really sorry, I easily made a joke about innaproriate things, but I hated when someone did that to me. I know, I am such a small ugly but cute selfish crab) dan banyak hal yang tidak bisa aku sebutkan. I’ll keep them for me.

Anyway, dear Scorpion Lady(?), I enjoyed your company as much as I enjoyed being alone. Really I do. And you know how much I love my alone time. Konon katanya memiliki banyak kesamaan belum tentu membuatmu bisa bersama, we have too many things in common, coincidence? Ha, whatever. I am grateful for having a real good friend like you.

Maaf aku (masih) mencintai masa laluku dan terima kasih untuk telah dicintai olehmu, seseorang dari masa sekarang. Kadang, cinta seambigu itu mengenai takaran waktu yang kadang kurang tepat.

(Chase)

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