Mungkin Nanti

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Saya melihat sebuah artikel mengenai cara mengatasi kehilangan.
Saya juga sudah membaca banyak tulisan mengenai hal-hal yang harus dilakukan setelah kehilangan.
Semua khatam, saya baca. Sekali lagi saya baca dengan khatam.
Perihal kehilangan, ini bukan yang pertama. Namun, untuk kali ini saya hanya menyebut ini yang teramat lara.

Terlepas dari pantas atau tidaknya seseorang itu untuk diratapi, jelas saya tidak ingin melakukan itu.
Bahkan saya berusaha dengan kuat, dengan kemampuan yang maksimal untuk melakukan apa yang disebut menyembuhkan.

Terakhir kali, sedikit saya ingat. Sebegitu total hati ini memberi cinta dan kepercayaan. Ia baru saja kehilangan keinginan untuk memiliki namun ia diberikan keyakinan, “Semua akan baik-baik saja”. Dan, ia pun percaya itu.

Singkatnya, ia jatuh terbanting dan sengaja atau tidak sudah terinjak atas nama kejujuran. Dalam waktu yang singkat, lagi, dan lagi. Atas nama kebenaran, terus tersudutkan terlihat begitu permainan begitu apik dikemas. Dan, saya menyerah dengan hati yang sudah tak lagi utuh.

Saya mencari kesibukan, dengan hal paling sibuk. Bekerja tanpa kenal waktu. Menulis apapun yang saya suka. Membaca hal yang kurang saya sukai. Shopping. Menonton berbagai film. Keluar kota untuk mengurus pekerjaan (yang bahkan saya mengucapkan, “Jangan khawatir, Pak, totalitas saya 24 jam/hari untuk pekerjaan ini” kepada atasan saya).

Berbagai suplemen saya tenggak untuk menguatkan fisik. Berbagai kerumitan pekerjaan bisa saya lewati. Dan pencapaian saya sangat luar biasa 98 persen dari target yang diberikan. Bahkan prediksi dari manajemen baru terhadap saya akan hanya bisa mencapai di 50 persen saja.

Pada satu titik, saya sakit. Terlalu lelah. Dan saya berhenti melakukan apapun. Ternyata saya juga kehilangan diri saya sendiri.

Tak lagi saya bermain dalam asmara, tak lagi saya berani mengakui perasaan suka ataupun rindu.
Ada hati yang sudah saya lewatkan begitu saja.
Ada tawaran yang saya tak pernah pertimbangkan dan menolak dengan cara pelan.
Ada, entah luka atau apapun yang meminta saya untuk tetap seperti ini.

Saya, tak berani lagi mengenal cinta.
Saya, terlalu takut untuk mengakui jika saya menyukai seseorang yang begitu sabar memberi perhatian kepada saya, saat ini.
Saya berhenti mencari, bukan berarti saya belum move on.
Saya hanya tak memiliki keberanian untuk memulainya lagi.
Tapi saya saat ini masih menikmati kesendirian yang bukan berarti kesepian.

Mungkin saya masih butuh waktu, atau mungkin saya belum menemukan orang yang bisa meyakinkan saya. Untuk kembali jatuh cinta.

Mungkin nanti, atau bisa jadi setelah saya menulis ini.


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