Pelangi Abu-Abu

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Jika ada yang menghitung, sudah lebih dari 27 kali aku bolak-balik mengamati ponsel. Bukannya aku tidak tahu, kalau beberapa pasang mata wanita muda yang duduk bergerombol di sana mengawasiku sejak tadi. Aku, perempuan dengan wajah kuyu karena kurang tidur, tengah duduk sendirian di pojokan coffeeshop, sembari mengecek ponsel berulang-ulang. Mendadak, kuangkat kepalaku dan menoleh. Sontak, gadis-gadis muda itu langsung pura-pura sibuk.

Kuseruput hot coffee-ku perlahan. Ekor mataku masih mengawasi gerak-gerik mereka yang mencuri-curi pandang ke arahku, lantas saling berbisik. Mereka pasti menduga aku sedang menantikan seseorang. Dugaan mereka ada benarnya, walau tidak sepenuhnya. Aku memang sedang menunggu, tapi bukan kehadiran seseorang.

Takkan ada gunanya, sebab aku tahu persis orang yang tengah kunantikan takkan datang. Aku hanya menunggu kemurahan hatinya untuk mengirimkan sepotong balasan pesan singkat yang mungkin akan masuk ke ponsel pintarku.

Dua jam berlalu, harapanku sia-sia. Di sini aku layaknya manusia terbuang yang tengah mengitung jumlah desiran angin yang turut menertawakan penantian dan harapan kosongku.

Sudah sepuluh hari aku gelisah. Resah, cemas, ditambah rasa rindu yang sangat membuncah. Aku merindukannya. Ia, seseorang yang mengisi kehidupanku selama setahun belakangan.

Benar kata penyair, cinta itu seperti virus penyakit. Terkadang tidak disadari kehadirannya. Ketika sadar, cinta itu telah merasuki setiap sel tubuh dan terus berkembang seperti benih kanker. Tak dapat digerus begitu saja, malah semakin hari akan semakin menggerogoti jiwa. Terlebih jika cinta itu rumit, seperti yang kurasakan kini.

Aku benci dengan dunia beserta segala macam norma-norma yang diberlakukan di dalamnya. Aturan-aturan usang, yang membuatku terjebak dan tersesat dalam sebuah dunia yang sangat asing.

Tempat yang mengungkungku dalam labirin tak berujung. Melarangku tumbuh dengan cinta yang kumiliki. Padahal, aku masih ingat dengan jelas sebuah buku yang kubaca, di mana orang-orang mengatakan, bahwa cinta adalah sebuah perasaan yang sangat indah, suci, dan juga sakral. Tidak bisa diundang dan diusir sesuka hati. Kita tak bisa memilih cinta, karena cinta itu sendirilah yang memilih kita.

Lantas, mengapa ketika cinta sudah memilihku, aku justru tak bisa hidup di dalamnya? Hanya karena sesuatu yang mereka sebut norma? Memang apa salah dan ruginya bagi mereka jika Cupid mengarahkan panah cintaku kepada Bening? Seorang perempuan mature berusia 32 tahun, yang mampu menyadarkanku bahwa surga itu memang ada. Apakah karena kami berasal dari planet yang sama? Planet bernama Venus?

Setiap kali aku bersama Bening, orang-orang di sekitar akan memandangi kami dengan pandangan menuduh, seolah kami adalah teroris yang menghancur leburkan sebuah negara. Mereka juga tak sungkan mencibir, seakan kami ini sepasang orang yang menyandang penyakit menjijikkan.

Mereka adalah orang-orang munafik. Sama sekali tidak mengerti dengan cinta yang sesungguhnya. Kalau saja ada mesin pengukur cinta, aku berani diadu. Aku yakin, cinta yang kumiliki jauh lebih kuat daripada cinta yang dimiliki manusia-manusia pengecut itu.

Kini, apakah dunia akan tertawa dan menari riang, karena aku telah kehilangan Bening? Perempuan yang mampu menghentikan waktuku. Membuatku serasa berada dalam kebahagiaan abadi, tatkala kutemukan bayangku di dalam telaga teduhnya yang menjanjikan kedamaian.

Sepuluh hari lalu, Bening berkunjung ke rumahku dan membuatkan makan malam yang sangat enak, karena diramu dengan bumbu-bumbu cinta dan kasih sayang yang tulus. Hingga malam merambat ke puncaknya, Bening masih berada di sisiku. Berkubang dalam lautan cinta merah jambu tak bertepi, yang sejenak mampu membawa kami keluar dari dunia munafik yang penuh kepalsuan.

Madu cinta membuat kami melupakan semuanya. Ketika bibir Bening yang manis dan lembut masih berada dalam dekapan kecupanku, tepat pada saat itu pintu rumahku menjeblak terbuka, dan seorang tetangga –perempuan paruh baya yang masih tergolong saudara denganku— masuk dan menatap kami dengan luapan amarah yang bahkan mampu menghanguskan tubuh gemuknya.

“Dasar perempuan-perempuan iblis!” teriaknya histeris. “Tidak bermoral. Kalian harus kembali ke jalan yang benar!” Jemarinya menuding hidungku dan Bening bergantian. Aku mengeluh dalam hati. Sudahkah Tanteku ini berada di jalan yang benar?

“Kenapa Tante tidak mengetuk pintu terlebih dahulu?” tegurku.

“Agar kalian bisa berpura-pura tidak terjadi apa-apa? Kalian berdua anak setan!” Tante menghambur ke luar pintu dengan masih terus berteriak-teriak di halaman rumahku, menyebabkan hampir seluruh penghuni kompleks perumahan terbangun.

Kulirik Bening yang berdiri di sampingku. Wajah tenangnya telah berubah pias, bibirnya bergetar entah sedang merapalkan mantra apa.

“Tenanglah,” bisikku. Kuraih jemarinya dalam genggamanku, tapi Bening justru menarik tangannya, berlari menuju mobil, dan segera berlalu dengan menyisakan asap knalpot di wajahku.

Bening meninggalkanku sendirian menghadapi orang-orang sekompleks yang rela repot-repot beranjak dari kehangatan selimutnya, hanya untuk menumpahkan sumpah serapah di wajahku. Tidak sedikit juga yang mengirimkan ludah membasahi celana dan ujung kaosku. Tidak puas, mereka mengusirku dari kompleks perumahan.

Adilkah? Rumah ini sudah kubayar lunas sebelum aku menempatinya bertahun-tahun lalu. Namun, mereka, orang-orang yang tidak ada hubungannya dengan kehidupanku, justru mengusirku dari rumahku sendiri.

Alasannya satu: mereka tidak ingin tinggal berdekatan dengan seorang lesbian, karena tak ingin anak-anak perempuan mereka tertular. Hei, sejak kapan lesbian menjadi penyakit, yang bisa ditularkan hanya dengan saling bersitatap? Adakah yang lebih cool daripada ini?

Lantas, siapa yang bisa disalahkan dalam hal ini? Hanya akukah? Bagaimana dengan Bening, kekasih hatiku yang pergi meninggalkanku begitu saja di saat cinta kami sedang diuji? Ataukah aku harus marah kepada Tuhan? Jika Tuhan memang Maha Penyayang, mengapa DIA menciptakan cinta yang rumit? Kenapa Tuhan tidak menciptakan cinta yang sederhana saja, yang hanya akan timbul dan dirasakan antara seorang laki-laki dan perempuan.

Apabila Tuhan ingin aku mencintai perempuan, mengapa aku diciptakan dalam wujud seorang perempuan juga? Atau jika DIA marah aku mencintai perempuan, kenapa tidak membiarkanku mencintai seorang laki-laki? Kalau dipikir-pikir, sebenarnya siapa yang membuat semua ini menjadi rumit? Well, sekali lagi kutekankan, aku tidak sedang menyalahkan-NYA.

Seharusnya seluruh dunia dapat memahami hatiku, bahwa aku pun ingin hidup seperti layaknya manusia yang mereka sebut “normal.” Sayangnya, aku tak berdaya dan tidak mampu berbuat apa-apa. Ketika aku beranjak dewasa dan mulai mengerti kehidupan, aku menyadari, bahwa aku berdiri di ranah abu-abu. Aku mencintai perempuan. Aku lebih memilih jenis kelamin yang sama untuk kubawa ke ranjangku. Orang-orang sepertiku menyimbolkan diri dengan pelangi, tapi aku berpendapat berbeda. Bukankah pelangi bertaburan warna terang? Sementara cinta seperti ini justru kelam dan kelabu. Itu sebabnya, aku lebih senang menyimbolkan duniaku dengan pelangi berwarna abu-abu.

Jam sudah menunjukkan pukul tujuh. Langit mulai remang. Matahari telah kembali ke peraduannya dan membiarkan tahta kerajaan bumi diambilalih sang rembulan.

Aku sudah bersiap hendak pulang, tatkala sebuah bayangan mendekat dan kemudian berhenti di samping mejaku. Kuangkat wajah. Sedikit demi sedikit, bola mataku menangkap siluet yang semakin nyata menjelma menjadi sebentuk tubuh indah yang kurindu.

“Bening?” seruku tercekat. Lengannya yang ramping mengibaskan rambut ikal kecoklatannya, lalu duduk di sampingku. “Kenapa bisa ada di sini?” tanyaku.

“Aku tahu kamu pasti di sini.” Bening tersenyum, samar. “Andrea, aku menyayangimu,” ucapnya. Aku tersenyum lebar.

“Kemana kamu sepuluh hari belakangan?” Kutatap tepat di maniknya.

“Aku sangat shock dengan kejadian di rumah kamu. Lagipula, entah siapa sumbernya, informasi itu telah sampai ke telinga orangtuaku. Aku dikurung dan tidak diizinkan keluar rumah, terutama untuk bertemu denganmu. Aku melakukan berbagai cara hanya untuk bisa menemuimu di sini.” Bening menjelaskan.

Kuacak rambutku gusar. “Aku sangat senang kamu datang. Itu berarti kamu bersedia berjuang bersamaku, kan?” Tatapku penuh harap.

“Andrea, setahun ini aku sangat bahagia, karena menemukan tempat pulang dalam arti yang sebenar-benarnya di hatimu. Itu merupakan hadiah terindah yang pernah kudapatkan dari Tuhan.” Bening menatapku dalam. “Pertemuan tak terduga, yang ternyata merupakan pintu masuk untuk merasakan manisnya rasa. Aku takkan pernah melupakannya,” imbuhnya.

Benakku pun kembali menerobos kisah setahun lalu. Saat itu tengah hari, saat mentari dengan semangat penuh memancarkan sinarnya ke seantero bumi. Aku baru pulang dari sebuah pertemuan yang membosankan. Masih setengah mengantuk, kukendarai mobilku dengan kecepatan tinggi.

Mendadak, sebuah mobil muncul dari pertigaan yang agak lengang. Kuinjak pedal rem dalam-dalam. Syukurlah, aku hanya merusak bemper mobil itu, tanpa mencelakakan pemiliknya, yang tidak lain adalah Bening.

Sembari menunggu mobilnya selesai diperbaiki di bengkel terdekat, sebagai permintaan maaf, kutraktir ia minum kopi di sudut jalan. Dua jam yang kupikir akan membuatku mati bosan, ternyata justru menghantarkan energi luar biasa. Bening begitu manis dan cerdas. Percakapan yang diawali basa-basi perkenalan singkat, berakhir menjadi obrolan yang lebih serius. Sejak saat itu, kami menjadi dekat, hingga akhirnya memutuskan untuk menjadi sepasang kekasih yang menurut penilaian semesta “tidak normal.”

“Aku juga selalu ingat saat itu,” aku membenarkan.

“Aku bersyukur pernah mengenalmu.”

“Pernah?” aku tergugu. “Wait. Kamu bukan mau meninggalkanku, kan?”

“Andrea, aku sudah cukup puas dengan kenangan itu. Artinya, aku sudah siap jika harus kehilangan kamu.”

“Maksud kamu apa?” Tiba-tiba saja peluhku menetes, takut mendengar penuturan Bening selanjutnya.

“Kita hidup di dunia yang sarat dengan norma-norma kesantunan. Di mana mereka masih belum bisa menerima orang seperti kita.” Bening menunduk, tak mau membalas tatapanku. “Orangtuaku menyuruhku menikah dengan seorang kerabat.”

“Dan kamu menerimanya?” suaraku melengking. “Oh, kamu udah sembuh?” sinisku lagi.

“Jangan sekali-kali menggunakan kata ‘sembuh,’ karena rasa ini bukan suatu penyakit. Cinta kita sama dengan cinta yang diagungkan oleh penyair di seluruh dunia. Hanya saja, kita mencintai dengan cara yang berbeda.”

Whatever. Intinya, kamu tetap menerima pinangan lelaki itu, kan?”

“Terserah jika kamu menyebutku munafik atau pengecut, tapi aku sudah lelah seumur hidup harus bermain kucing-kucingan hanya untuk bisa merasakan cinta.”

Bening, satu-satunya perempuan yang sangat kucinta dan menjadi sumber kebahagiaanku, telah menyerah dan memutuskan untuk keluar dari arena pertandingan. Lalu, apa lagi alasanku untuk bertahan? Bagaimana mungkin aku bisa berjuang jika aku hanya akan berjuang sendiri? Untuk apa aku berjuang, jika orang yang ingin kuperjuangkan pun tidak ingin diperjuangkan? Shit!

“Kamu harus tahu, keputusan ini bukan karena aku tidak menginginkanmu.” Bening menghela napas panjang. “Aku akan selalu merindukanmu, Andrea.”

“Jangan bicara rindu kepadaku, karena jiwaku telah kenyang merasakan perihnya tusukannya. Sepuluh hari tanpa kabar darimu, telah membuatku mati berkali-kali. Rindu yang kata orang indah, telah berubah menjadi racun yang mengaliri setiap tetes darah di tubuhku!” ujarku sengit.

“Aku minta maaf, Andrea. Please, mengertilah.”

“Nggak perlu minta maaf. Kalau bukan karena kamu, mungkin aku juga takkan pernah mengenal yang namanya cinta. Yang harus kamu tahu, bahwa cinta yang paling kuat adalah aliran cinta yang tidak pernah sampai ke muara.” Kutengadahkan wajah ke langit-langit, tidak ingin Bening menangkap airmata yang bersiap terpompa dari pelupukku.

Selama lima menit tidak ada yang berbicara. Keheningan dan senyap terasa begitu memekakkan hingga nyaris mencekikku. Aku tak beranjak, ketika akhirnya Bening berdiri dari sofa, menunduk, lantas mengecup ubun-ubunku dalam.

“Aku mencintaimu, tapi aku juga sudah terlalu lelah.” Tanpa menunggu reaksiku, Bening pun berlalu.

Butuh waktu 30 menit hingga aku bisa menyadari apa yang terjadi. Bening telah pergi. Bukan hanya dari coffee shop, tetapi juga dari kehidupanku. Kurasakan di sudut hatiku, ada sesuatu yang terbelah dan patah. Setetes demi setetes darah mengalir. Darah yang kuyakin takkan pernah berhenti lagi sampai kapan pun.

Setelah membayar bill, kulangkahkan kaki menuju pintu keluar coffee shop. Di belakang punggungku, masih kurasakan pandangan beberapa mata perempuan muda yang mengawasiku sejak tadi. Persetanlah. Aku tak peduli sekalipun di keningku mereka melihat sebuah label bertuliskan “Lesbian.”

Aku sama sekali tak peduli jika mereka akan mencemooh dan meludahiku. Mereka sama sekali tidak mengerti. Aku yang paling mengerti dengan diriku, dengan cintaku. Cintaku yang terjebak di pelangi abu-abu.

(Luke, @true_aristocrat)

 

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