When Your Mind Says Yes, but Your Heart Says No

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Belum sebulan aku mengalami suatu kejadian yang benar-benar mengubah hidupku. Ya, putus cinta. Meskipun sebenarnya aku dan dia tidak menginginkan pepisahan ini, dan kami menyebutnya bukan putus, tapi terpisah.

Rasa kehilangan yang seperti ini belum pernah aku rasakan sebelumnya. Ini sangat membuatku merasa gamang, seperti orang buta yang kehilangan tongkatnya untuk berjalan, aku tak tahu arah.

Aku mulai menjalani hidupku yang tanpa rasa, semuanya terasa hambar. Terlalu banyak memori yang dia tinggalkan dan terlalu banyak kebiasaan keseharianku yang aku lalui bersamanya. Lalu sekarang aku harus menghentikannya. Ini tak semudah membalikkan telapak tangan, sulit rasanya. Ingin aku mengatakan kepadanya bahwa aku tak sanggup, aku lelah dengan hariku dimana aku harus bersikap seolah aku tak apa-apa, seolah semua baik-baik saja.

Ini kali kedua aku merasa seperti ini karena seorang wanita. Patah hati dan aku harus menyembunyikannya dari semua orang. Aku tak punya teman cerita tentang kehidupanku dengan seorang wanita. Karena setahu mereka semua, aku sama seperti mereka. Tak mungkin aku menceritakan hal ini kepada teman-temanku. Apalagi sampai saat ini aku belum menemukan seorang pun teman yang bisa membuatku nyaman untuk come out. Lagi-lagi aku harus menelan semuanya sendiri, dan untuk kali ini rasa sakitnya berkali-kali lipat dari kehilangan yang pertama.

Aku dan dia masih saling menginginkan, masih saling menyayangi, masih saling ingin mengisi, namun keadaan sudah tidak mengizinkan kami untuk bersama lagi. Aku tidak pernah merasa kehilangan sesakit ini. Rasa yang jauh lebih sakit daripada ditinggal selingkuh, karena tak ada satu pihak pun dari kami yang menginginkan perpisahan ini. Itulah mengapa dia menyebut ini sebagai perpisahan, bukan putus.

Perih rasanya menerima kenyataan ini, bahkan sampai detik ini aku belum mampu menerima. Aku berada di suatu keadaan dimana logika mengatakan untuk berhenti, namun hati masih mencari. Pikiranku mengatakan, “Ya, kamu harus bisa menerima kenyataan”, tapi hatiku berkata “Tidak, aku tak sanggup”. Kepalaku terisi kalimat bahwa aku harus kuat, tapi hati kecilku rasanya lemah merintih memohon agar dia yang menguatkanku.

Oh my… Tubuhku saja sudah tidak seiya sekata, seperti terjadi perdebatan tapi dalam diriku sendiri. Tanpa kusadari, ternyata hal itu mempengaruhi kinerja anggota tubuhku yang lain. Aku mulai tidak tertarik untuk makan, mataku sering menatap kosong, otakku mulai bekerja lambat, banyak bengong, sampai kadang ketika di perjalanan aku sering menanyakan kepada diriku sendiri, “Kok aku udah sampai sini lagi?”

Ketidaksinkronan dalam diriku ini semakin menjadi ketika aku mengetahui dia sedang didekati oleh seorang wanita lain. Aku masih belum bisa membuang rasa peduli, rasa ingin tahu, dan rasa cemburuku padanya. Tapi lalu apa? Apa yang aku bisa lakukan? Aku ingin marah dan mencegah wanita itu semakin mendekatinya tapi lalu apa? Apa aku bisa kembali padanya? Tidak. Aku masih ingin menjaganya dari wanita lain, masih ingin mengatakan dengan bangganya bahwa dia milikku, aku masih belum mau melepasnya dari kepemilikanku, tapi lalu apa. Apa yang bisa kemudian aku lakukan? Aku tidak bisa melakukan apa yang aku inginkan, dan lagi-lagi aku harus menelannya sendiri.

Aku hampir menyerah dalam kondisi ini, inginnya aku meng-ya-sudah-kan kenyataan ini. Namun aku masih belum sanggup. “Pelan-pelan aja, Ca. Semua juga butuh proses. Lama-lama juga kamu akan terbiasa.” Begitu katanya saat aku mengatakan padanya bahwa aku belum sanggup menerima kenyataan ini. Yang ada di benakku, mungkin dia perlahan sudah bisa berjalan kembali karena ada wanita lain yang mulai mendekatinya. Secepat itukah..? Bukannya dia pernah bilang bahwa dia jika kehilangan aku, dia kan merasa seperti mati rasa terhadap wanita? Ternyata kenyataan yang aku temui tak seperti itu.

“Aku benar-benar kehilangan kamu, Ca. Aku hidup sekarang kayak zombie. Temen-temen aku mungkin kasian sama aku, jadi mereka ngenal-ngenalin aku sama sana-sini. Aku galau parah, aku butuh temen buat ngalihin perhatian aku biar aku gak kepikiran kamu terus.”

Aku tahu, dia merasakan apa yang aku rasakan. Aku mengerti ini pun tak pernah mudah untuknya. Aku tahu saat ini teman-temannya berusaha membantunya mengalihkan perhatiannya dan menyembuhkannya dari sakit hati ini. Tapi yang aku tahu, dia tak akan secepat itu mencari sosok wanita lain. Aku tahu dia mencari seseorang untuk mengisi kekosongannya, tapi aku yakin hatinya selalu untukku. Aku belum sanggup melihat dia dengan orang lain, aku masih belum rela jika ada orang lain yang menggantikan posisiku di hidupnya, atau mencoba mengisi posisiku yang sudah aku tinggalkan. Egois? Sangat. Tapi jujur aku mengerti kalau dia butuh seseorang yang baru, aku hanya belum bisa menerima.

Di perjalanan, aku menyalakan berbatang-batang rokok. Tatapanku tertuju pada satu arah. Aku tak kuasa membayangkan jika dia akhirnya terambil hatinya oleh wanita itu. Wanita itu datang di saat yang sangat pas, ketika dia galau dan butuh teman. Sama, saat dulu dia datang dalam hidupku, saat aku galau pertama kali oleh wanita. Sampai-sampai kata-kataku yang berucap bahwa aku tak akan berpacaran dengan wanita lagi pun terpatahkan olehnya, saking dahsyatnya rasa sayang yang dia tawarkan padaku. Betapa aku takut dia tergoda dengan tawaran cinta dari wanita itu. Aku tahu, aku seharusnya sudah tak ada hak untuk mencegah, lagi-lagi aku mengerti akan hal itu, namun aku belum bisa menerima.

Berat. Kepalaku terasa seperti sepuluh galon beratnya. Aku berjalan seperti melayang. Semakin sini semakin sedikit makanan yang bisa aku makan, terkadang aku tak makan sama sekali. Tiba-tiba aku harus dilarikan ke UGD karena tanganku bergetar tanpa henti, badanku sangat lemas sampai-sampai aku tak sanggup bergerak, asam lambung naik terlalu tinggi.

Ruu, lihat aku. Betapa tubuhku tak dapat menerima bahwa aku kehilangan, betapa kehilangan ini membuat semua sistem dalam tubuhku bekerja dengan tidak seperti biasanya. Tapi aku senang, kamu masih memperhatikan aku, masih mengkhawatirkan aku dari sana.

Esok harinya aku berniat untuk check- up ke dokter, namun bola kusut dalam pikiranku masih belum terurai. Aku tipe orang yang memikirkan masalah terus menerus sebelum masalah itu selesai. Pusing, sampai ini mengganggu sistem keseimbangan dalam tubuhku. Aku berjalan menuju ruang dokter sambil memegang tembok dan apa pun yang bisa aku pegang, aku tak kuasa untuk menahan sakit di kepalaku. Setiap aku mengedipkan mata ini, semua terlihat buram. Aku mengedipkan mataku lagi berusaha memfokuskan pandanganku, ini malah semakin buram.

“Eh, eh, Mbaaak!” Seorang wanita berteriak ke arahku yang semakin lemas dan… aku pingsan? Aku tersadar di IGD lagi. Baru kemarin infus menempel di tangan kiriku, sekarang sudah menempel lagi di tangan kananku. Aku menjelaskan kondisiku kepada dokter, akhirnya aku disarankan untuk rawat inap. Ini gila, benar-benar kehilangan dia dalam keseharianku mempengaruhi semuanya, bahkan kesehatanku sendiri. Dia masih sangat mengkhawatirkanku namun lagi-lagi aku dibuat tersadar bahwa separah apa pun kondisiku takkan membuat keadaan menjadi baik untuk kami. Tak akan bisa membuat wanita itu menjauhi dia dan membuat dia kembali padaku.

Sampai saat ini ketidaksinkronan dalam diriku masih terjadi, ketika hati dan pikiran masih bergelut dengan pendapatnya masih-masing. Aku mengerti dengan semua keadaan ini, namun aku masih belum bisa rela dan menerima, sehingga perdebatan-perdebatan itu masih terjadi dalam diriku sendiri. Aku masih terjebak dalam keadaan dimana pikiran berkata iya namun hati berkata tidak. Dan entah sampai kapan.

(SashaJulyy, @redvel55)

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